Concrete Shoes.

Today was one of those days they warn you about. In the weave of the ebb of flow of good and bad days.. today was bad. I know I am not allowed to post a depressing post...but I consider this more cathartic and informative. I know what a toy who is on the verge of having their batteries die - feels like. It is a sickening feeling like your spirit is draining out of you - a kin to what a draining waterbed would feel like. I have been lucky the past few weeks because the pain has taken a back seat - due to the meds. But the funny thing with Fibromyalgia is it is not predictable. Today my number was up but by luck I had a prescheduled drs appointment...and so a comfy B12 shot was waiting for me.

I was looking up Fibromyalgia on the internet and read what it feels like to have it. The basic description for the pain was it feels like you have a bad case of the flu all the time, or how you feel the day after an intense workout. They add some more information about how fibro can cause a burning sensation and how depression can onset because your not getting restorative sleep and your depleting serotonin levels. It also mentions most of us are sensitive to light, (check), sensitive to medications, (check), restless leg syndrome (this is where you feel like you have to move your legs a lot it is annoying like your legs are asleep but you feel all the sensations), (check), and the most fun of all Fibro Fog, (When you can't remember or recall simple things you should know but don't), (double check).

I like to describe the pain symptoms as being dipped in concrete and then set on fire with a blow torch. As I have mentioned before the meds to treat it can be as bad as the pain.. anti-depressants.. yuck! Although compared to someone who is on them for depression I take a micro dose. Yet I get to experience all the joy of the side effects: moodiness, extreme emotional outbursts, and yes depression! Why would a pill that is used to treat depression cause depression?!?

As for the other things I can cope, I always wear sunglasses so I can actually see, I don't like taking meds so it usually doesn’t effect me, I have cut down in salt which has reduced the restless leg syndrome. The Fibro Fog can get pretty bad especially when I get so sleep deprived... other than writing cue cards for the stupid things I forget I have not coped with that one.. of course if I could remember what to write I would not need the cue cards, would I?

The thing I hate is the lack of understanding and compassion.. most people view this as an imaginary problem kind of like hypochondriac plot. Some people with Fibro are so devastated by this illness they cannot work or function. When I went through my first long bout with this illness I was working a full time job, part time job, going to school full time, and I was a single parent... yet people still though I was weak because I would struggle getting up out of a chair, I couldn’t open up a bag, or hold my pencil correctly, or had trouble typing. I learned to toughen up, I stopped talking about my pain and difficulties, I would force myself to move with ease no matter how badly it hurt, I would often cry all the way home because the pain was so intense, and I could bluff well, and I can still intimidate walking down the hall and fake the bad ass attitude. Although I admit it is getting harder with each passing year to maintain this facade.

The second is the fact I am usually a lot younger than most people diagnosed with Fibro.. I am only 32 I was diagnosed at 25 after my son was born.. I have had it long than that probably born with it because I always remember the pain that shoots down my legs. People look at me and don’t understand how someone so young can have so many problems.. I try to tell them they are all related and all from the same cause but the illness is so new there is no pinpoint cause or cure.

The third is sometimes I feel robbed.. I should be in the prime of my life and I feel like it has come and gone and left me on the side of the road going "huh?". I try not to engage in self-pity many people in this life have it worse than I. I am lucky to have a wonderful and compassionate husband who really tries to understand and help me out, but he still will never understand what I am going though, only someone who has this understands this.. I have two beautiful children.. don't know if I will make it to have number 3 especially when numbers one and twos pregnancy is still way too fresh in my mind!! My son is becoming a compassionate, loving, and caring child.. Although only 6 yrs old he does his best to support and encourage his mama....(side note.. there is something left on a sons personality when he has a close strong relationship with his mother.. I can usually tell the men who are raised by their mothers because their is something special about them.. they are the passionate, compassionate, and usually stubborn as all hell people of the world.. it just so happens my hubby is one of those people too.. and I am proud my son it following his footsteps..) As I have said I have it easier this time I have a partner and I am not alone.. I also have a very close friend who is going through the same thing. .. she has fibro and lupus... so she understands.. it also helps she is my boss so when one of those bad days rears its ugly head so knows how to deal with me!

My greatest fear is that my children get this illness.. although not common in boys/men it can happen.. my daughter is still a young toddler so she is too young to have these aliments. There is no evidence that Fibro is genetic the running theory is a virus or trauma that triggers the aliment.

I found a poem that is the closest to a good description of what my so called life can be like:

MY NAME IS FIBROMYALGIA by Terri BeenHi....My Name is Fibromyalgia, and I'm an Invisible Chronic Illness. I am now velcroed to you for life. Others around you can't see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me. I can attack you anywhere and anyhow I please. I can cause severe pain or, if I'm in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over. Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun? I took Energy from you, and gave you Exhaustion. Try to have fun now! I also took Good Sleep from you and, in its place, gave you Brain Fog. I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. Oh, yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed, too. If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away, too. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons: That virus you had that you never recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma. Well, anyway, I'm here to stay! I hear you're going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I'm rolling on the floor, laughing. Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. You will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away, told to think positively, poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken as seriously as you feel when you cry to the doctor how debilitating life is every day. Your family, friends and coworkers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I'm a debilitating disease. Some of they will say things like "Oh, you are just having a bad day" or" Well, remember, you can't do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago", not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago. Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a "Normal" person, and can't remember what you were going to say next !In closing, (I was hoping that I kept this part a secret), but I guess you already found out...the ONLY place you will get any support and understanding in dealing with me is with Other People With Fibromyalgia.

Of course the pain of the day can sometimes be erased by an event like my baby girls smile or like today her first kiss and wave goodbye.. all the more reason to keep fighting like hell and show this disease who is boss!

Channukah Night 2.

Ok so I was a little jealous about Sean's post on X-mas. Oh yeah I am not supposed to mention him on my blog just comment about him.. lol.. oh well.. I guess the ban is lifted.

Well Chanukah is anti climatic when it falls on x-mas. I don't know how much you know about the Jewish religon but it is concidered a minor holiday... Here is a quick history lesson.. god the teacher in me is soooooooooo annyoing sometimes.

Chanukah, the Jewish festival of rededication, also known as the festival of lights, is an eight day festival beginning on the 25th day of the Jewish month of Kislev. This year it was on Christmas.
Chanukah is probably one of the best known Jewish holidays, not because of any great religious significance, but because of its proximity to Christmas. Many non-Jews (and even many assimilated Jews!) think of this holiday as the Jewish Christmas, adopting many of the Christmas customs, such as elaborate gift-giving and decoration.

The story of Chanukah begins in the reign of Alexander the Great. Alexander conquered Syria, Egypt, and Palestine, but allowed the lands under his control to continue observing their own religions and retain a certain degree of autonomy. Under this relatively benevolent rule, many Jews assimilated much of their culture, adopting the language, the customs, the dress, etc., in much the same way that Jews in America today blend into the secular American society.
More than a century later, a successor of Alexander, Antiochus IV was in control of the region. He began to oppress the Jews severely, placing one of his priest in the Temple, massacring Jews, prohibiting the practice of the Jewish religion, and desecrating the Temple by requiring the sacrifice of pigs (a non-kosher animal) on the altar. Two groups opposed Antiochus: a basically nationalistic group led by Mattathias the Hasmonean and his son Judah Maccabee, and a religious traditionalist group known as the Chasidim, the forerunners of the Pharisees (no direct connection to the modern movement known as Chasidism). They joined forces in a revolt against both the assimilation of the Hellenistic Jews and oppression by the Selucid Greek government. The revolution succeeded and the Temple was rededicated.

According to tradition as recorded in the Talmud, at the time of the rededication, there was very little oil left that had not been defiled by the Greeks. Oil was needed for the menorah(candelabrum) in the Temple, which was supposed to burn throughout the night every night. There was only enough oil to burn for one day, yet miraculously, it burned for eight days. An eight day festival was declared to commemorate this miracle. Note that the holiday commemorates the miracle of the oil, not the military victory: Jews do not glorify war.Chanukah is not a very important religious holiday.

OK now that your all asleep I won't go into just how and why and what blessings are used.. I think anyone who was reading is now sleeping.

In my house I have the presents laid under my winter solstice tree next to my menorah. After we light candles and butcher the prayers if I even attempt them.. we eat something fried.. or at least my kids do.. I love latkes which are potato pancakes and very very yummy if you have never tried them.. especially with sour cream.. yum.. very low cal NOT.

I torture my son by letting him see all his presents and choosing just one.. no matter how many times he begs me to let him dive in.. so every sundown he is after me to light the candles and get to his present.. he does not know much about Chanukah yet but he is remember some.. then we try to play dreidels and eat gelt which are chocolate coins. Since he got the fantastic 4 we watched it together..

Not the emotional tug at your heart story of x-mas.. Chanukah is like an after thought for non jews.. there was an article in the paper about Christmasica.. the blend of Christmas and Chanukah for those who are slow on the uptake.. My in-laws celebrate this, to which I roll my eyes.. My family calls it Chan-is-mah.. I almost fell off the couch when I saw Radio Shack actually have a kid asking his dad for a robot kit for Chanukah.. we have come a long way. Maybe next year the Chanukah decorations will be two shelves in the back of all the x-mas stuff in Target!

So to sum it up it is all about food, family, and surprises.. as I look at my blue and white lights, my menorah, and the foil dreidels hanging from my ceiling draping the entrance of my apt.. the smells of fried potatoes, and chicken soup wafting from the kitchen.. as not a creature was stiring, not even a mouse..

Happy 2nd night everyone.. 2 down.. 6 to go.. go light a candle, play some Adam Sandler.. and eat a chocolate coin.

Deal or No Deal

I decided to do a post that has nothing to do with X-mas, or relationships. Something mind numbing..

TV

What would you do?
There is a new show called Deal or No Deal..

It is like millionaire, except it has nothing to do with being smart.. and all to do with how big your brass ones are..

It is lit dramatic, same kind of music, and well.. definite sex appeal.. good looking models with silver cases.

Anyway.. the object of the game is to get the most money.. You pick one case out of 26.. I think.. and hold on to it.. then you have to open the other 25. It is done 5 at a time for a few rounds, then 4, then 3, then 1.. After each round a “banker” offers to buy back your case…you have to decide whether to deal or no deal the amount…the deals get better as you eliminate the lower amounts…or the deals go down as you reveal large amounts of money..

In the premiere show there a second contestant really struck me.. she was a normal working mom.. she was like us a working stiff.. who knows the value of money...with her hubby and her parents at the show….at first it didn’t look good for her.. she started off uncovering really large dollar amounts.. but she persevered. ..she kept going strong until the 125,000 offer mark she and her family were crying and distraught on what to do.. you can tell she was not the normally an adventurer or a risk taker.. her parents wanted her to keep going.. she chose 8 her dad’s lucky number..(how do you get a lucky number?)..anyways her hubby was nervous and wanted her to stop…she didn’t and the next number was high.. and her offer went down by a few grand..to 121,000. ..they were devastated.. but she didn’t give up.

She rejected it even though her husband was obviously not pleased, he supported her.. (I wondered if she ended up with 10 dollars what a LONG drive home that would be!)...she opened up another low number and the "banker" came back with 201,000.. she had 3 cases left one for 10, 5,000 and one for the million.. What would you do?.. My husband and I start screaming at the TV.. Take it.. Take it.. while the studio audience was shouting No Deal, No Deal, No Deal..

This is where the show was cruel.. they let her young daughters call the show and Howie explained to them.. what the mother had won and what she was going for.. 8 was the number of her case.. the next one she would have taken was #25... I said would have because she took the 201,000 and it was a good thing.. it was another low number and the bank would have offered her ½ a mill.. 2 cases left one with 10 one with the million dollars.. They opened her case and inside was a 1 and a 0.. she had the 10 dollars and made the right deal..

I am intrigued by these kind of shows.. Thumbing your hand at fate! Though I abhor reality TV..... at what point do you stop and think how much money your throwing away?.. What that can do for your life?.. and your family?... When do the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.. When do you give up your dream and face reality..

This question will have relevance in a later post.

BACK by POPULAR demand

OK so I am tagged.. hummm.. weird habbits..this is like deep thoughs.. short and shallow.

1. OK.. I am a talker.. but I guess what one could consider wierd would be I keep talking even if I have to go to the bathroom.. this in its self may not be strange.. but I was talking with the computer.. yep I was IM'in Kristen.. while going potty..

2. I am the antithesis of the picture of neatness.. but I have to have my work area organized.. of course my organization system.. may at times look like a paper mill threw up but I know where everything is! It amazes people.

3. I come off as a tough gal.. but I am deathly afraid of roaches.. I can't even kill them.. I run like a little girl screaming.

4. I am an extream multi-tasker, I have to do five things at once.. watch tv, talk, do home work, cook.. etc... I get bored and distracted easily.. and I can't really pay attention.. I guess I have ADD.. but I think of it as ODD.. Oppositional Defiant Disorder.. which just means.. I dont like following orders.. it is a real disorder..lol.. I hear it used all the time.

5. It took me a painfuly long time to come up with this list! Is that weird??I am weird.. so what I do seems normal.. I am really good at disin myself and others..In fact I think if put downs were a sport I would win a gold medal in cracking on myself..

Anyways since I can not crack on he who can not be named because I put a ban on mentioning his name.. I am at a loss for topic also I had another Earth shattering crappy day.. so I am not in a reflective mood...more of a where in the world can Diayah go kinda mood.. (dont go for the easy dis there.. he who should not be named.. )

Well I am trying to remember how to dream .. then I will try to dream big.. as someone would say.. I have been weighing options.. but I have to be awake to do that.. so I bid you goodnight...Let the weirdness begin!

New names for Sean...Day 2 of writers block gallore.. so much for my "A" average.

Ok since I am still out of ideas for cute, yet annoying or embarrassing nick names for our friend Sean I am turning to my blog friends for help.

Oh how does one capture the essence that is young Sean Patrick Moore.. hummm.. capture...now that was a weird thought.. lol.. I guess Kristen is having an influence on me!

Switching gears.. I think I am becoming a yuppie.. yes I admit I until a few weeks ago paid 3 dollars for yummy starbucks latte.. but now I have to confess... and they may take away my redneck country club membership away for this.. but I might go talk to a life coach..
eeek.. what have I become.. I spent my life.. sticking it to the institution.. and now I am joining it..
oh well.. I am an antidistablishmentarian .. so I guess I can't really join anything.

Today is day 3 of feeling almost human.. now I have to do something about it. I promised myself I would start exercising again when the pain subsided. With my schedule it is soo hard to do. Part of me is afraid and part of me knows no fear. I have been in real conflict on what I want to do with my life.. I guess an early mid life crisis.. of sorts.. I am not sure if you are allowed to have a midlife crisis at 32. ..Unlike some of our friends here.. I have not followed my dreams...and lately I guess I feel like I cheated myself. Recently I have reestablished my relationship with my sister.. she is 7 years younger..and it is interesting to see the world though her eyes.. when dreams are still fresh and young and life's setbacks have not kicked you hard in the ass yet. Ah youth is wasted on the young but it is invigorating to see them dream the big dream... My sister wants to be a professional singer.. she has a nice voice but I think her niche would be writing but she concentrates on the singing more.. I used to sing once too but I lost the source of my voice so very long ago..

Anyway let me get off this subject.. back to the subject at hand.. embarrassing names.. how about steel bun boy.. or stud muffin cake.. nah too common place.. SPM .. hummm.. if you jumble the letters they spell PMS.. hey how about that! Yeah I am a bitch aren't I ?

Doctors know best???

Ok after a llllllllllllooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg day of pushing paper, meeting impossible deadlines, and getting more and more and more work dumped on me I battled traffic and showed up at the doctors office at 6:30 PM for my 5:00 PM appointment. Now let me explain at my doctor that meant I was right on time. He, like me, is Jewish and just like the Spanish, (to which I am also derived from) we are always NOTORIOUSLY late. So needless to say I am never on time for anything. It drives my husband nuts..Anyway, I still had to wait a half hour so I did not get into actually see him until 7PM. UGGH so much for being home or actually eating dinner tonight!

I digress.. my pressure was good (for me) 108/65 my normal is 90/60 yeah I have freaked out many a paramedic. The doctor again had a hard time being a vampire (what I call taking blood). Two sticks with a needle not bad, (my personal record is 9 and that was at a hospital!!) He tried to accuse me of not drinking enough water. I stopped him cold. I have never made so many trips to the head!! I had to go so often people started looking for me there!!! How embarrassing!! My co-workers have no couth. I know I have been drinking water I kept tripping on all those little sport pack bottles. It was making me sick to my stomach but on the positive I was not hungry either.

We went on the conversation of meds. He listened to my generic may not be the same theory - intently. I mean when have you bought something generic that was as good as the real thing?? For example Rice Crispies are much better then the Rice Cereal, Tonka trucks last forever but Walgreen’s brand will last the day if you lucky!, Coke is way better than Pepsi, (sorry I could not resist!). Well money will be the answer here because if the name brand med is too expensive I will stick it out on what I am taking until I think it is dangerous. You know seeing spots, arguing with the voices in my head and loosing.. that kind of thing. So far so good except for being a little moody, irritable, and impatient I think it will be alright. I just need to remember all that anger management training I had to endure!

Overall the doctor seems to be right dehydrating your body all day with caffeine is not good. I have limited it to one full can a day. Although I may open up 3 I never finish them. As long as I drink more water than coke I am good. I did try Java Joe Water but I did not like the taste. Oh caffeine why are you so good and so evil.. ok a discussion Just is sure to pick up on!!

Ok enough about all this boring medical crap. Would that be called Bio waste? I don't know. I say lets play a new game.. because I miss our favorite target, I mean friend, Sean. I say lets play ...

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS SEAN MOORE.. you know what they say fiction is way more exciting than reality.. so lets make up a place and a job for Seany. Oh god I must be BORED. Actually I have a bad case of writers block with a health dose of I am too tired to read more analytical BS.

Ok I am going to go first.. (advantage of being the writer of the blog!) hummmmmmmm....
He is in Japan as a Geisha.. wouldn't he look cute with a kimono serving noodles to the prime minister and following up with a drag show.. lol.. yeah that’s it..

Ok who is next?

Just a quick note........LAAAAAAA....(clearing throat).

Ok, I do not have much time to write tonight I am darn tired because I have been averaging 4 hours sleep between, work, school, home and such.

I am pissed off though, I just found out after 3 weeks with no answer from my instructor and my university when my last 4 assignments were due. Guess when.. TONIGHT. I am still in a class and there has been no way to finish them. My last class got cut short thanks to hurricane wilma. Well I do not think it is fair to give me last second to turn in 4 assignments two of which are 700 - 1200 word papers. I don't know how I am going to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways I am so tired that my eyes are burning and I am too tired to turn off the TV. Unfortunately it is on Jimmy Kimmel and I can find the remote. I actually think that Jimmy Kimmel is more lame tired then awake....boy they will give anyone a late night tv show!!!!!!!! Lets nominate someone else to take his place.. suggestions anyone?? Wonder if Sean will turn up taking his place?? lol .. .I think I would rather watch the static channel than this but it is like a horrible car accident you can't help but watch until you get sick or asked to move along!!!!

Boy I have not seen TV go this low in a long time he even butchered 2 punch lines. Does he write his own stuff????Or does he steal it from elementry school kids!

OK I HAVE HAD ENOUGH they are doing a expose on KROD with AUNT CHIPPY I cant take it.. off goes the TV and off I go to bed for my worthless 4 hours of rest before the day begins again....Tomorrow the day of truth.. the DR's .. oh what fun!!!! Hopefully he will be able to draw blood because I have been drinking water like a fountain!!!

Hope everyone has a good day. I am hoping to beat Big Red's blog.. gosh 4 comments for 6 words...so post away.. I have a fragile ego..lol.

I have to find inspiring words of wisdom to end this with.. but since I can't think of one I will find one out there somewhere.. so good night America or the four people who read my blog...which ever comes first!!!!

Deep thoughts from a wading pool.

In the spirit of the season, which is a time of reflection, I have been well.. reflecting. (Like I said wading pool of though going on here).

I have reached an early New Years Resolution. I am going to take my life in a different direction. I have not fully formulated this yet but from listening to several people I know, I have reached one conclusion: I am going in the wrong direction. This is all work stuff not family. My family is the only thing that has kept me in the relative plane of existence we call sane. No this has to do with find out what you really want to be when you grow up, when your already grown up. I have never had it all.. work, family, friends. I always had one but not the others.. they seem to cycle and just miss each other...

I am a tough, some may say aggravating, cookie. I am a strong, opinionated, intimidating person. I have been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, I have always hated that saying. I have tremendously mellowed with "old" age, but that Latina / Russian bloodline courses though my veins and when I get ticked off you better run for cover. I can still give a threatening look without a word and have people back up and run. I did it today. I was once told by a former boss I have the ability to broadcast my emotions without saying a word. Once he tried to write me up for it but he could not put down into words what I did exactly. It is funny how the world works because that guy became one of my best friends.

I say, "I don't care", to these people I offend but I really do to a degree. I play like I like being feared, but what does fear really get you? I have seen people lead with kindness, intimidation, political clout, fairness, and fear. Let me tell you fear was the most effective but least pleasant working environment. The ones who lead in fairness, kindness, or friendship got burned out quick. The one who lead with blatant intimidation was demoted so it was not effective either.. but I digress.. as this was not the road I was taking.

The point is I am not easy to get along with. I think I expect too much of people. I expect common curtsey, decency, and respect. I expect people to keep their word and their promises. I expect people to say when they have screwed up and try to learn from it. Like I said I do not have many friends. I am the person you can call at any hour with any problem and I stop to help. I give my last dollar if your in need. If I can't help you out, I find someone who can. All I ask is not to lie, ignore, disrespect, condescend, or belittle. Like I said I think I am asking too much of people. This strange revelation is brought about from the increasingly stressful job I currently hold.

Every time I have had to rely on someone these past few months, they have let me down 10 fold. I am not the kind of person who readily asks for help and the previous reason is why I don't. I will work my ass off, (I wish I could really do that!) before I ask someone else to take on a responsibility. Like I said I am a real witch.

Well today the person who was supposed to help me out lied, another person who came out to consult on a project belittled me and spoke condescending to me, and others who I work "with" just plain lack any kind of professionalism and will gossip and tell stories about each other. This has increasingly upset me. I already graduated high school, I have been there and done that!

The point is I want to change. And the change agent begins with a catch 22 situation. I have not been myself lately. Something that not many people know about me, is my pain disorder. They just think I am wimpy, or working too much, when they see me literally drag my butt in to work, they don't understand.

Living is constant pain, well, sucks, (told you this was a deep pool of thought), it grinds on you. Great news is there is a solution, one I reluctantly gave into.
MEDS!! AHHHHH {{{{HALLEULAH}}}{{{{HALLEULAH}}}---screeching halt.

The meds can have some side effects.. ah, who cares if your not in pain you can deal, right? YES. er. NO. I have to make a decision. Be in pain or be A pain. You see the meds alter your mood. The kick ass take no names, shoot them all, let god sort them out, fireball of a chick is fading into a negative, emotional, depressed, sorry excuse for a person. So I have to choose if I am going to continue with this treatment. ....Funny thing is I have been in denial for about a month. I knew this was happening but the power of persuasion, especially self-persuasion is amazing!

My drive, my passion is what makes me, ME. I can not claim to be pretty, smart, (though people think I am), or funny. I am driven. I get up, I keep going. Ok I have to stop a sec here.. during all my ramblings I realize you have no idea what I do. And this is a mitigating factor in all of this.

What I do "for a living": I am a teacher, at a juvenile justice facility for high risk, male, youth. The majority are sex offenders, but we have your garden variety - drug, property, and violent offenders too, there ages 12 to 19. I have been doing this for 3 years, but before that I was breaking up fights, responding to crisis calls, and making behavior contracts at an alternative education middle and high school for 7 years. The kind of place that chews up and spits out young college grads who think they know it all and can save the world. After 10 years in the biz, I am tired. I see all the flaws with the most perfect system we can come up with. I have seen the system fail time and time, and time, and time, again and I have learned to adapt and fight it when I can. But I have reached the conclusion that I am now an over glorified paper pusher. I am ineffective.

I am a very competitive person, something I don't think I mentioned. I will not play a game I know I can't win and I rarely give up on something. I can not handle being ineffective. It is not an option. I have come to the conclusion that it is time for a change. Now for the fun part. I have no earthly idea what that change is but I actually started down the road today.

My current boss is one of my best friends. This is both a blessing and a curse. She and I have gone though a lot together in 3 years. We have a lot in common, including my pain disorder. She and I both work insane hours against a tide of impossible tasks that come our way. But today, for the first time, I told her - I had enough. This is a person I have never been able to say NO to when she asks me to do a 17th thing when she knows I am still doing all 16 things she has given me at the same time. She started with her feelings of frustration but I stopped her and I told her this was her career choice, not mine. She was very taken back. I finally told her the only reason I am still at this job is because I don't want to abandon HER. She has been though so much with poor health, a divorce, a very bad boyfriend choice; I did not want to leave her and abandon her too. But I can't do my job anymore.

Each year the demands increase, the help decreases, and my health declines. She was flattered that I stay because of her and I told her I was not making any sudden changes, but this is not my place in life anymore. She asked the question I have asked for years now, what are you going to do? I DON'T KNOW. Is my answer.

So I am in search for the road not taken.. that’s the last part of my pre-new year's resolution. All of the stuff I talked about play factors into this decision. I apparently need to make friends, find hobbies, and stuff that makes me excited? other than sleep, I am very excited if I get more than 4.5 hours of sleep! But apparently that does not count.

So I need to explore and search this holiday break, while I go to school, take care of the youngins, and spread all that holiday cheer! So "Just Me" this is not a depressing post!!!! Just one of options!!...I'm looking for the road not taken. This is going to involve a lot of work and I have to really count on myself and you guys!!!

So while I am on my "journey", which might as well be to another planet, I will look for the road signs of life, all while trying not to be a speed bump on the highway of inaction.

Damn Server

For some reason I can not access my blog to see it but I can post a new comment. That makes sense.

I am having a rough start to the week anyway. I have become a victim of the flu bug or stomach virus or something because I have been sick as all hell. The bad thing with Fibro is the pain is twice as bad as it should be. It is a shame to be in your early 30's and feel as though your in your late 80's. I know some senior's who have more spry in their step then I.

Anyway since I am forbbeden to write anything depressing, thanks guys! I will just have to keep my hopes up for a speedy recovery.

Something I have been thinking about is if my job is worth all of this. I have a stress related illness and well my job is just a bundle of stress. The money is too good to quit but I begin to wonder what is the real cost of working there. Couple that with my apt is going condo and I am going to have to find a new place to live and uggh I am not sure I really want to move again.

I have two friends who have just up and left to other parts of the country NY and Mass. They went there found a good paying job, good place to live, and did so without knowing anyone where they were moving too. I do not think I am that brave. I have been born, lived, schooled in the same place all my life. I think I am too scared to really leave, but if has made me wonder..humm..Since I don't really travel I don't know what is out there?

Christmas, where art thou..

Ok, I read something disturbing. People are getting sooooooooooo Politically Correct that basically everything related to any winter holiday is outlawed or dramatically renamed. Winter break.. since when does winter need a rest!! Now I know this has been on its way for a long time....but come on how do we teach tolerance if we hide from every opportunity to do so!

I am one of the most cultural diverse people, I am a Spanish, Christian, Russian, Jew. My mom's side the Spanish/Christain side, my dad the Russian/Jew. As a child I celebrated both. Good for me 7 days of presents plus Christmas, oh yeah being a mutt has its advantages!

Back to my point, instead of eliminating every celebration in schools, community offices, sporting events, etc why not celebrate everything! Bring on Ramadan, Kwanzaa , Hanukkah, Three Kings Day, Christmas, why do we have to choose? Why do we have to outlaw everything, why are we an all or nothing society! Put up a tree, light a Hanukkia (Hanukkah) or a Kinara (Kwanzaa), fill your shoes with hay (Día de los Reyes or Three Kings Day) give gifts, love, and knowledge! Teach tolerance everyday not just in school.

As a Jewish person, and please don't use me as the example for the typical Jew, because I am not!, (a story for another blog) I learned other peoples religions. I find other cultures fascinating. I know I grow up in a predominately Christian society - if you need evidence just look for Hanukkah decorations at any store. It is the one shelf in located at the end of the isles and isles of Christmas stuff. But that’s ok. I think when we don't show our children the other things out there we give this silent signal that its wrong! I have a tree, I have lights, and my children have visited Santa. It does not make me less of a Jew. The "Christmas" tree originally had nothing to do with Christmas. It actually was Norwegian roots, a pagan history, and first used by the Germans for Christmas.

All the holidays have lights in common because winter is symbolized as a dead and desolate time and evergreens, yules, and holly symbolized life. Lighting the tree began as the celebration of the winter solstice. Although, the religions have different views of God they all have a positive message. The main thing is no matter what the religion this is a time for love, happiness, reflection, family, good deeds and good will towards man...if you lucky it involves gifts and tons and tons of food too. Call it what you want to just don't outlaw it.

Part 3 Truth, concequence, and happiness.

Its not just me.. the words echoed. Its not just me. Its not just me... because I she is carrying my baby. The words cut me to the core. My gaze left him.. I stared at my toddler son sleeping so peaceful. I felt nothing. I was dead. I felt cold and numb. I started to ask why. Nothing came out. Its not just me... would be the words that hunted my sleep for a long time. I looked into his eyes one last time. Is she nice? I don't know why I asked that, I guess I was in shock. I got into the car and I don't remember how I got home. I finally got the words I wanted followed by the words I never wanted to hear. How could he do this to me? I knew they had a relationship. I got the statements from the bank card. I sadistically calculated the date of the statement to the news I received. On our 10th anniversary he charged a room for two at the red roof inn, I counted over and over. That was the day she conceived.

I don't remember much in the following days. Guilt is a powerful motivator for good and bad deeds. He slowly stopped paying and I started resenting him. I took the rings and went to the pawn shop and got my baby food for the week. I also got a lawyer for a divorce. I was tired and getting worse again. The doctor, and some of my friends were really worried about me. I was a shell of a person, I was more like a machine. I worked, and worked, went to school and worked. My heart was ice, I had no affect, no feeling. My only ambition was to keep my home and take care of my son. The only way I could keep the bills at bay was to work the two jobs. I had to go to college to get a better job. It was a vicious cycle. My son also did not let me sleep. He would get up in the middle of the night crying. To get just a few hours of precious sleep I had to have him stay in bed with me. When he woke he would see me and go back to bed. I think he was worried too. Everyone said I was loosing the battle. The doctor ordered me to quit work or school; I had a semester to go and I refused.

It was during this time when I was weak and alone that I had a close friend confessed he had feelings for me. Problem being he was married. I knew him for several years, his wife, and his kids. I tried to convince him he was mistaken. I told him not to go down that path, but to take the high road and work on his problems. Over time we would talk and talk about things in our lives. We were completely different but experiencing the same emptiness and pain. Both of us are moral and religious people. We would torture ourselves over what we were contemplating. This was not like me or him. I began to feel again for the first time in the year that had past. How could a wrong feel so powerfully right? I was a hypocrite and I would punish myself for my thoughts of temptation. But our feelings for one another continued to grow.

Then one day I saw him out with his little girl, they stopped and said hi to me. The pain of truth was evident as I looked at his little girl. We were wrong to have these feelings. Though it all we remain friends, even to this day. He showed me though his caring and understanding how wrong my marriage was and how now I needed to take the time to be myself. Problem was I did not know who I was. With patience and guidance he helped me while I helped him. The important thing was he showed me I could feel. I was still alive. He taught me I could love someone; I knew could not be with him. It was not meant to be. It was a turning point.

The next month was a blur. Budget cuts cost me my part time job, and then I got the news my full time job was to be eliminated that summer. I had to finish school or I would be out of a job. I worked feverishly at staying awake and doing well in school. The bills pilled up I could not make it without the extra job. My husband was not paying and the divorce process was crawling. I had to turn in my car and I told the dealer I could not pay anymore. I managed to get a much smaller and only slightly less expensive car so I could continue to work and go to school.

December came I had made it to graduation, alive. A week after I walked down the isle with my bachelors, I lost the house. My son and I had to move out of the home I swore he would grow up in. Every position that was worth anything I sold so I did not have to loose the house but it was not enough. I had no choice but to move back in with my mother. My mom and sisters are not kid friendly people so I had to be on guard to protect my son from their verbal attacks.

The following month I got notice that my divorce was proceeding. My soon to be ex wrote down on his deposition a bunch of lies about what had happened and his income. He told the mediator that he left me because I was no good to him. I would work all the time and never had time for him or my son. The thought screamed though my head: I worked two jobs so he could hook up with his bartender! He even wrote on the deposition that he was engaged to be married, which ticked off the mediator. How can you be engaged to be married when your not divorced yet.

Then the moment I had dreaded. I finally got to meet the other woman face to face. My attorney questioned her, she was polished, practiced, and articulate with her answers. I could not stand to look at her. She replaced me. She was tall, thin, and tan. I kept hearing my husbands words echo in my head, how ugly, fat, unattractive, lazy, bitchy, boring, I was. They sang in chorus with the ghosts of my parents comments when I was a kid in my head. Stupid. Trash. Worthless. She was none of these things, I thought. I glanced down at the ground and waited for the questions to stop.

He got his due when the amount of child support was announced to him. He got upset and jumped up and shouted but I just had a baby how can I afford to pay her that! Everyone, his attorney, my attorney, and the mediator all said at once that’s not her problem, we are here for this kid in this marriage. The look on his face was my moment of joy. I never sought to be vindictive, mean, or ugly. But I enjoyed that moment. He got me back by petitioning for sole custody, which was denied. He was granted every other weekend, and Wednesdays. He would only take my son if he was well, if he had any kind of sniffle, cough, scratched thumb he would not have him. Being a fair weather father is tough.

With my divorce over, no home, and my time on my job running out I had to turn to me. I applied for several jobs and got one far away from my home but it was the highest paying one! I did it I was going to be ok, at least financially. It was too late to save my home but with the money I was going to be making I could afford to move back out and have a real place to live with my son. My son will never know he was my rock in all of this. His behavior changed dramatically and my happy, strong, independent, little boy was clinging, sullen, and worried all the time. I tried so hard to make the transition from having a home to living in a room as painless as possible. I shielded him from my families’ acid tongue. Their words to us were harsh and cruel but we had a nice warm place to sleep at night. So we spend as much time as possible away from my mom's house. We would walk downtown, go to the park, pool, and just listen to the music from the sidewalk cafe's at night. It was a fun but exhausting life. For someone with my aliments to do this after working a full day's job was detrimental. I did it for my baby, and it kept me going.

With the job taken care of I needed to fix me socially after much coaxing my close friend convinced I needed to date people. He coordinated my outfits and gave me pep talks. I needed to live for my sons sake he would tell me. So I did.

I dated some but I still felt empty and sad inside. He coached me to be the person I pretended to be at work - strong and confident. I actually asked some guys out for the first time in my life. I was scared but I was determined not to fail. Most of the guys I met were shallow and I was getting disappointed. Again my friend encouraged me to not give up and do something I would never consider doing. So I did, one of the most memorable of the experiences was with a guy who worked in the radio business.

He was charming, witty, fun loving and had a very sexy voice. He would openly talk about the fact he was single and how he loved kids. I never had the courage to call up a station before, but I made myself do it. I was scared out of my mind every time I phoned. But I did it because it is something I would have never done before. Eventually I won a contest and he kindly offered to hold the tickets at the station for me since he knew I lived so far away. I was intimidated to meet him face to face. I was still very insecure about my appearance but a girlfriend of mine went with me for moral support. Went I went to the station I was greeted by a tall man who was as handsome as he was charming. We talked for a few moments and then my friend and I left. I had taken a first step, something new. A few days later I did call and asked him if be intersted in going out sometime. He said it would be ok, but I lived too far away for him to drive. I was really disappointed, but it was not a flat out no, and he sounded sincere. This act was the springboard that gave me the courage to make a decision that forever changed my life. A friend called that day and wanted to set me up on a blind date. I had never been on a blind date before. I thought to myself if I have the courage to call a complete stranger and ask them if they want to go out sometime; how was this different?

I went on the date and met a person completely opposite from my ex-husband. He was shy and awkward but he seemed sweet and kind. We dated several times and then I broke it off. I got scared. All these "what if's" were playing in my head. How could I trust someone?, how could I let someone in my life now after everything that has happened?. I thought my ex-husband was my sole mate and now I am going to make another mistake again! I withdrew and avoided everyone for a few days. Then I looked at my son as he was asleep in the car. I hope you dance played...I hope you never feel those mountains in the distance.. never settle for the path of least resistance.. I decided to finish what I had the courage to start. I went out on another date but this time with my son in tow.

My son was cautious but warmed up to him. I saw how they interacted and figured if my son could trust again after what he had been though I could trust too. When I allowed myself to openly feel again; we fell in love very quickly. Everything moved very fast, but I was never afraid again. It felt right. I felt like I knew this man, I just met, my whole life. I felt complete after two years of feeling dead and shattered. I felt alive and strong. I met the most caring and loving person I have ever known.

My health has since improved but I have never been completely well. I got pregnant after knowing him just a few short months. We got married and we are now a real family. My son has flourished and is growing up in his step dad's image as a kind and thoughtful man. I know I complained before about there being more to life.. but what I meant was being more to life then being trapped by work and bills.. drowned by debt and missing opportunities because of money.. I did not mean anything about my family. Trust me I have worked hard to get here, I am not giving this up.

Incidentally, I still call that radio station and talk to that clever, handsome man, who I now consider a good friend. He never knew that his simple act of kindness and caring gave me the strength to continue on down the broken road of my life that led me to the loving husband and family I have today.

And that, as Paul Harvey would say, is the rest of the story.