Ain't Broke yet but sure enough bending..
To borrow some Cowboy Troy here...Thats pretty much the way I feel right now..
All the stuff is moved in.. everyone has been paid: movers, power, cable, phone, internet, and alarm.. but I have not been feeling really well.. right before the move I started to react to it... and got sick. That sucked enough but I still had to help out with all the work and go to work and be a mom.. you get the picture..
As a result I am once again.. not on medication. I had another set back with a bad case of vertigo.. for those who don't know what that is like.. its when the world starts to move round and round.. without being drunk that is.. it sucks.. not much for that other than motion sickness meds.. which suck too because they just knock you out...
After all this drama I have decided to just stay off the damn pills.. I am sick of taking medicine.. and I really HATE when these things control me.. so right now I am not much company in person or online.. in the passing days.. the pain has become worse.. and my lovely mood swings become as active as a piece of recess equipment during playtime.. another confirmation on why I hate these pills.. but hey it could be worse I could be a rodeo clown..
You know its bad when the doctor runs out of pill names to throw at you. And the only one that ever worked is now off the market.. which is just as well because after only a few months I became dependant.. and thats not why I was prescribed it in the first place.. this is one of those if you took the pill when you are well it will make you sick kind of things..
So I am still living with boxes, pain, and now my own personal merry-go round.. well thats what it feels like if I tilt my head too much.. I have decided I am going to ask again for physical therapy and see if I can get off of this joy ride. I also have to make some REAL changes.. physically and mentally. I can not work anymore 10 hr days on a consistent basis.. its not good for me or my family... I can not get all worked up about work anymore.. I know what I am dealing with and I have to stop letting other people control me by upsetting me.. work is just work.. after 7.5hrs it will wait until tom.. I have to loose weight. This will be especially hard since every move is so painful right now.. I need to sleep.. I crash on the weekends being totally useless to my family due to my 3-5 hrs sleep a weeknight.. and working like a dog...this is not fair to them.. esp my son. My ex has not seen him since before thanksgiving, not that he really seems to miss him as much as his step brothers.. but the move although down the street moved him away from our next door neighbor and he has not taken it well.. I have not been able to do much with him because of my health.. On Sat's it is just me and the kids because my hubby has to work and when your only in your early 30's and have to rest every time you do anything it makes it really hard to be a parent. But it was worse when I was pregnant there was nothing out there on fibro patients who are pregnant.. it was a rough road.. thankfully over.
Thats the problem when you have both chronic fatigue and fibro.. which usually happens at the same time.. Pain is pain.. I can work through it most times.. med up when I can't take it but the fatigue is like fighting the ocean tide.. there is nothing to help you.. Thats bad enough but when people look at you.. because outward you look old, tired, and like something the cat threw up.. people's off the cuff comments can be cruel but their looks are unforgiving. I am of course my own worse critic.. I was picking up dinner one late night this weekend and caught my reflection in the mirror.. I was horrified at how old I looked.. and how awful it was.. I decided then its got to stop I need to seriously do something.
I know there are many other illnesses out there that deserve attention.. I mean I am not dying just feel like I was worked over by a meat tenderizer.. One of my co-workers is dying of cancer and now she is now released from hospice to carry out her final days.. living on morphine just to do so.. she is the one who needs the prayers and help.. I have not been able to see her... I have talked to her on the phone.. but I can't go visit.. My own selfish demons take over.. and being more unstable then normal.. I can't do it.. so as Tim sings.. "Live like you are dying"..
Each day is a gift.. how are you going to spend yours?
To borrow some Cowboy Troy here...Thats pretty much the way I feel right now..
All the stuff is moved in.. everyone has been paid: movers, power, cable, phone, internet, and alarm.. but I have not been feeling really well.. right before the move I started to react to it... and got sick. That sucked enough but I still had to help out with all the work and go to work and be a mom.. you get the picture..
As a result I am once again.. not on medication. I had another set back with a bad case of vertigo.. for those who don't know what that is like.. its when the world starts to move round and round.. without being drunk that is.. it sucks.. not much for that other than motion sickness meds.. which suck too because they just knock you out...
After all this drama I have decided to just stay off the damn pills.. I am sick of taking medicine.. and I really HATE when these things control me.. so right now I am not much company in person or online.. in the passing days.. the pain has become worse.. and my lovely mood swings become as active as a piece of recess equipment during playtime.. another confirmation on why I hate these pills.. but hey it could be worse I could be a rodeo clown..
You know its bad when the doctor runs out of pill names to throw at you. And the only one that ever worked is now off the market.. which is just as well because after only a few months I became dependant.. and thats not why I was prescribed it in the first place.. this is one of those if you took the pill when you are well it will make you sick kind of things..
So I am still living with boxes, pain, and now my own personal merry-go round.. well thats what it feels like if I tilt my head too much.. I have decided I am going to ask again for physical therapy and see if I can get off of this joy ride. I also have to make some REAL changes.. physically and mentally. I can not work anymore 10 hr days on a consistent basis.. its not good for me or my family... I can not get all worked up about work anymore.. I know what I am dealing with and I have to stop letting other people control me by upsetting me.. work is just work.. after 7.5hrs it will wait until tom.. I have to loose weight. This will be especially hard since every move is so painful right now.. I need to sleep.. I crash on the weekends being totally useless to my family due to my 3-5 hrs sleep a weeknight.. and working like a dog...this is not fair to them.. esp my son. My ex has not seen him since before thanksgiving, not that he really seems to miss him as much as his step brothers.. but the move although down the street moved him away from our next door neighbor and he has not taken it well.. I have not been able to do much with him because of my health.. On Sat's it is just me and the kids because my hubby has to work and when your only in your early 30's and have to rest every time you do anything it makes it really hard to be a parent. But it was worse when I was pregnant there was nothing out there on fibro patients who are pregnant.. it was a rough road.. thankfully over.
Thats the problem when you have both chronic fatigue and fibro.. which usually happens at the same time.. Pain is pain.. I can work through it most times.. med up when I can't take it but the fatigue is like fighting the ocean tide.. there is nothing to help you.. Thats bad enough but when people look at you.. because outward you look old, tired, and like something the cat threw up.. people's off the cuff comments can be cruel but their looks are unforgiving. I am of course my own worse critic.. I was picking up dinner one late night this weekend and caught my reflection in the mirror.. I was horrified at how old I looked.. and how awful it was.. I decided then its got to stop I need to seriously do something.
I know there are many other illnesses out there that deserve attention.. I mean I am not dying just feel like I was worked over by a meat tenderizer.. One of my co-workers is dying of cancer and now she is now released from hospice to carry out her final days.. living on morphine just to do so.. she is the one who needs the prayers and help.. I have not been able to see her... I have talked to her on the phone.. but I can't go visit.. My own selfish demons take over.. and being more unstable then normal.. I can't do it.. so as Tim sings.. "Live like you are dying"..
Each day is a gift.. how are you going to spend yours?
posted by Diayah | 10:43 PM
2 Comments:
Awww...you've certainly had your share of the shit stick lately...but I know you will prevail, even tho it doesnt feel like it right now...Your strong...and a mom...so..it will come together, because. well...thats just the way it has to be. Stay strong, and know that all will fall into place, and then you can manage your pain, weightloss and all the rest of the crap...Yeah..and I have a bridge to sell ya...lol...anyways..just know that we are all here for ya, cheering you on..and praying for you to get better...We love ya, girl...
Take care and talk to ya soon
:)Just me
Damn...I'm so sorry things haven't been going well. but hang in there...you're in our thoughts.
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