Time to Sleep

Time to Sleep

Sorry I have not updated but I have been very tired. I went to the doctor and he decided on a med upgrade.. yep more pills.. yippy.

The great thing having fibromyalgia is you don’t know what the day will bring.. the bad thing with having fibromyalgia is people can’t see your sick. The other day I had someone tell me I was doing this to myself.. he I am all for being a sadomasochist but I only do that with guilt.. that’s the prerogative of being Jewish… we have the market on guilt.

I have decided to try this med upgrade as an alternative to being in full time constant pain because as the days passed by I realized I could not function like an overemotional hormonal teenage girl.. so I gave in and went with the dope up.

He only doubled the amount from 25 mg to 50 mg… the thing that sucks is now my body has to get used to the pills all over again. It takes a few weeks before I can find out if it works…so here we go again.. whoopee.

Falling asleep all the time for someone who rarely sleeps is kind of funny as long as it doesn’t happened when your driving, which it does happen but I try my best to stay awake. The worse time is the drive home after 4 PM because I used to call my husband and had him try to keep me awake as I drove. Now he works during that time so I am SOL right now.

The funniest time I fell asleep today while typing on the laptop.. I caught myself and did not hit it or the ground.. which is really great.

Being half asleep all the time may make me closer to dreaming.. who knows anything can happen. As I was in one of these half awake stages I heard a great song.. it had something to do with a guy who quit his job, threw his hard hat at the boss.. the chorus is something like you may tell me where I go but no one tells me what to do… I waited for the DJ to say who the song was by but as usual damned DJ didn’t say anything!! Gurrrrrrrrrr.. Hey Sean if your out there help me out.. I love that song.

I have been thinking a lot about what Sean has been writing about fear… and the power it has over us.. I have three people in my life currently waging a war with fear..

one is one of my best friends as she tries to figure out how the man she thought she knew could hurt her so badly.. now she is afraid to let go.. but she knows she has to.. the temptation to call him is so great .. she calls me now instead.. day or night. She needs to move on but she is afraid she can’t deal with the pain.. I know it sounds familiar and I am trying my best to help her take it day by day.

The other is my sister.. she is young, a great song writer, a singer with a very powerful voice.. she is looking for love and commitment in a world of one night stands.. she is out there looking for a prince.. in a land of frogs.. she is getting frustrated.. she wants a relationship, a family, but is afraid there is no one out there…

And then there is me. I have been thinking about what fear is driving me to hang on to this place I have grown up and called home my whole life. .I am not happy here, I want a home for my family, I want to work one job, pay the bills, groceries, and still have something left over.. pipe dream.. yeah I know. I know the key is learning to dream again. I don’t want to teach my kids to be complacent and take what life hands you.. that’s NOT me. But at the same time I have become so entangled with the rules of life I have forgotten how to live life lately. There was a quote I think the duchess of York used.. good little girls don’t write history… It is a saying that has somehow crept into my head lately.. More and more I can start to feel something telling me what I am doing is wrong.. but I can’t hear all the words yet.. if that makes sense.. everything I have learned in the past has paid off with the job I have today.. but something inside of me still screams a muffled drowned out cry.. this is not it.. this is not where your supposed to be…If there was just a way to hear what is being said.. then again it could just be the meds talking.

I guess as a kid I grew up too fast and didn’t live a kids life. My wings were clipped and after being told to keep my feet on the ground so many times.. I caved in and listened.
I have stood so long I have forgot how to fly..

We wait our whole childhood to shed the “rules” of life to become adults and “do what ever we wanted to do”.. then as adults we forget what it is we wanted to do!

I encourage my kids to dream every morning I wake my toddler daughter and open the blinds and tell her the whole world is out there and she needs to wake and come see it. My son tells me he wants to be spiderman, a police officer, a doctor and a jewelry designer… go big dreams.

Keep dreaming maybe if I am lucky it will rub off on me. As for me off to sleep I go waiting for the time dreams may come to me.