Deep thoughts from a wading pool.

In the spirit of the season, which is a time of reflection, I have been well.. reflecting. (Like I said wading pool of though going on here).

I have reached an early New Years Resolution. I am going to take my life in a different direction. I have not fully formulated this yet but from listening to several people I know, I have reached one conclusion: I am going in the wrong direction. This is all work stuff not family. My family is the only thing that has kept me in the relative plane of existence we call sane. No this has to do with find out what you really want to be when you grow up, when your already grown up. I have never had it all.. work, family, friends. I always had one but not the others.. they seem to cycle and just miss each other...

I am a tough, some may say aggravating, cookie. I am a strong, opinionated, intimidating person. I have been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, I have always hated that saying. I have tremendously mellowed with "old" age, but that Latina / Russian bloodline courses though my veins and when I get ticked off you better run for cover. I can still give a threatening look without a word and have people back up and run. I did it today. I was once told by a former boss I have the ability to broadcast my emotions without saying a word. Once he tried to write me up for it but he could not put down into words what I did exactly. It is funny how the world works because that guy became one of my best friends.

I say, "I don't care", to these people I offend but I really do to a degree. I play like I like being feared, but what does fear really get you? I have seen people lead with kindness, intimidation, political clout, fairness, and fear. Let me tell you fear was the most effective but least pleasant working environment. The ones who lead in fairness, kindness, or friendship got burned out quick. The one who lead with blatant intimidation was demoted so it was not effective either.. but I digress.. as this was not the road I was taking.

The point is I am not easy to get along with. I think I expect too much of people. I expect common curtsey, decency, and respect. I expect people to keep their word and their promises. I expect people to say when they have screwed up and try to learn from it. Like I said I do not have many friends. I am the person you can call at any hour with any problem and I stop to help. I give my last dollar if your in need. If I can't help you out, I find someone who can. All I ask is not to lie, ignore, disrespect, condescend, or belittle. Like I said I think I am asking too much of people. This strange revelation is brought about from the increasingly stressful job I currently hold.

Every time I have had to rely on someone these past few months, they have let me down 10 fold. I am not the kind of person who readily asks for help and the previous reason is why I don't. I will work my ass off, (I wish I could really do that!) before I ask someone else to take on a responsibility. Like I said I am a real witch.

Well today the person who was supposed to help me out lied, another person who came out to consult on a project belittled me and spoke condescending to me, and others who I work "with" just plain lack any kind of professionalism and will gossip and tell stories about each other. This has increasingly upset me. I already graduated high school, I have been there and done that!

The point is I want to change. And the change agent begins with a catch 22 situation. I have not been myself lately. Something that not many people know about me, is my pain disorder. They just think I am wimpy, or working too much, when they see me literally drag my butt in to work, they don't understand.

Living is constant pain, well, sucks, (told you this was a deep pool of thought), it grinds on you. Great news is there is a solution, one I reluctantly gave into.
MEDS!! AHHHHH {{{{HALLEULAH}}}{{{{HALLEULAH}}}---screeching halt.

The meds can have some side effects.. ah, who cares if your not in pain you can deal, right? YES. er. NO. I have to make a decision. Be in pain or be A pain. You see the meds alter your mood. The kick ass take no names, shoot them all, let god sort them out, fireball of a chick is fading into a negative, emotional, depressed, sorry excuse for a person. So I have to choose if I am going to continue with this treatment. ....Funny thing is I have been in denial for about a month. I knew this was happening but the power of persuasion, especially self-persuasion is amazing!

My drive, my passion is what makes me, ME. I can not claim to be pretty, smart, (though people think I am), or funny. I am driven. I get up, I keep going. Ok I have to stop a sec here.. during all my ramblings I realize you have no idea what I do. And this is a mitigating factor in all of this.

What I do "for a living": I am a teacher, at a juvenile justice facility for high risk, male, youth. The majority are sex offenders, but we have your garden variety - drug, property, and violent offenders too, there ages 12 to 19. I have been doing this for 3 years, but before that I was breaking up fights, responding to crisis calls, and making behavior contracts at an alternative education middle and high school for 7 years. The kind of place that chews up and spits out young college grads who think they know it all and can save the world. After 10 years in the biz, I am tired. I see all the flaws with the most perfect system we can come up with. I have seen the system fail time and time, and time, and time, again and I have learned to adapt and fight it when I can. But I have reached the conclusion that I am now an over glorified paper pusher. I am ineffective.

I am a very competitive person, something I don't think I mentioned. I will not play a game I know I can't win and I rarely give up on something. I can not handle being ineffective. It is not an option. I have come to the conclusion that it is time for a change. Now for the fun part. I have no earthly idea what that change is but I actually started down the road today.

My current boss is one of my best friends. This is both a blessing and a curse. She and I have gone though a lot together in 3 years. We have a lot in common, including my pain disorder. She and I both work insane hours against a tide of impossible tasks that come our way. But today, for the first time, I told her - I had enough. This is a person I have never been able to say NO to when she asks me to do a 17th thing when she knows I am still doing all 16 things she has given me at the same time. She started with her feelings of frustration but I stopped her and I told her this was her career choice, not mine. She was very taken back. I finally told her the only reason I am still at this job is because I don't want to abandon HER. She has been though so much with poor health, a divorce, a very bad boyfriend choice; I did not want to leave her and abandon her too. But I can't do my job anymore.

Each year the demands increase, the help decreases, and my health declines. She was flattered that I stay because of her and I told her I was not making any sudden changes, but this is not my place in life anymore. She asked the question I have asked for years now, what are you going to do? I DON'T KNOW. Is my answer.

So I am in search for the road not taken.. that’s the last part of my pre-new year's resolution. All of the stuff I talked about play factors into this decision. I apparently need to make friends, find hobbies, and stuff that makes me excited? other than sleep, I am very excited if I get more than 4.5 hours of sleep! But apparently that does not count.

So I need to explore and search this holiday break, while I go to school, take care of the youngins, and spread all that holiday cheer! So "Just Me" this is not a depressing post!!!! Just one of options!!...I'm looking for the road not taken. This is going to involve a lot of work and I have to really count on myself and you guys!!!

So while I am on my "journey", which might as well be to another planet, I will look for the road signs of life, all while trying not to be a speed bump on the highway of inaction.