Part 2 life's little challenges.
This is not about pity, this is about strength. It is about going as low as you think your sole can take and still fighting the good fight.
This is the part where I am still sinking, but I do not drown. And now the rest of the story....(I love Paul Harvey!)
When my then husband walked out the door after handing me his wedding band I put it on top of my band. I wore the rings together to symbolize what my deepest desire was, for him to come back to us. I could not let go of this thought, but I did not have time to deal with it either. I had a child to take care of I had to work and provide a future for us. I put myself into overdrive.
My husband over drafted our joint account. The bank told me I could not close the account unless I made it current and I could not close it without his signature. So, I opened my own account at the same bank. He threatened if I closed the account he would stop paying me. I needed the money since I was so far behind in all the bills. So he won. He bounced the account to pay me money for support. Eventually he got the balance so far in the negative the overdraft was spent. That week when I got paid the bank took my check to cover the negative without me knowing what happened. I was trying to buy formula when my card stopped working. I went to the bank and got a balance. I lost it right in the bank when I saw my paycheck was gone. I had already written the bills out and nothing was going to get paid. They had to take me into the back office and I explained what had happened. I had no shame for crying at this point and I could not stop myself if I had wanted to. The bank officer told me I could have and should have closed the account. I did not need my husband’s permission. The account was 38 dollars negative and the bank paid it and I closed the account. My sole account was already substantially negative. She gave me her card and told me to wait a few days and they would reverse all the bounce charges. I was grateful but it did not put food on the table. I cried all the way home.
This was the lowest point I thought. What did I do to him that was so bad? I loved him, took care of him, made a child with him. What did I do that was so wrong.. Just kept playing in my head. I composed myself and called his house. He was not there, so I told his father what happened. He gave me some money for food but my whole paycheck was gone. I did not eat for two weeks, but my son did. I could not eat even if I wanted to, I could not even keep down water and crackers.
In order to keep the house I worked two jobs one full time, one part time, and re-enrolled in college full time. I saw my baby only when he was sleeping, for a few precious hours in the morning, and weekends for over a year. I was lucky to have some friends help me out by watching him when I went to school and work. I would hold him and cry at night when he was sleeping. I would not cry in front of him. I cried when I drove to work, drove home, and especially on Fridays when I knew I had to face a weekend or holiday alone. I did this for two years. Over time I would cry less and less but it took two years to stop crying completely. When men leave it usually means one thing. Another woman. A friend finally convinced me to leave the house after a few months into my separation. We live in a diverse county. I was born, raised, and schooled here. My husband’s parents and my parents live in the same small city. Many times I have passed either my husband or his folks on the road. There is no place to hide it seems sometimes. After much coaxing I took my friends advise and went downtown with her and my son.
We passed by one of the downtown spots my husband frequented. It was Sunday, and the restaurant/bar was near empty. I knew the bartender since high school and he immediately came up to me and asked me what was wrong. Apparently my husband, his girlfriend, who was a bartender at the place he moonlighted at as a bouncer, and her son were there the weekend before. When my bartender friend asked where I was my husband said we mutually decided to split. As I was explaining the story of what had happened my back was to the sidewalk. In mid sentence my friend who was facing the sidewalk took my son from my arms. I was puzzled at the expressions on their faces. I asked them what was wrong. They told me my husband, the girlfriend, and kid just walked by. I ran out the door, they covered two blocks by the time I got out the doorway. It was my first glimpse of her. She was tall, like him, thin, and in an instant they turned the corner and was gone. I felt sick and just stood there for a moment, looking at the spot they disappeared into, as the sun sank down, it seemed to take my heart and strength with it. I was replaced. The human body can only take so much, the human mind however is a powerful tool. My body began to fail, I kept getting sicker, and sicker. I was so weak that I would fall asleep while driving, in class, at work. Something was wrong. I had an understanding boss, who later became my best friend. He figured out what was going on and cornered me one day. He told me I know. I was almost in tears when I asked him what he meant. I did not tell anyone what had happened to me. I did not want to be pitted. I was ashamed. I had become what I feared most, a single mother, another statistic of daily modern life.
I eventually let a very small group of friends know. I was betrayed by one "friend" who spread gossip about my situation. The shock of that betryal hit me especially hard, it ripped open my heart again. I went ballastic at work when the school gossip threw the news of my situation in my face. I went out to the car, tears streaming, sobbing, and I could not find my keys to the car to leave. I had no where to go and just cried in the parking lot for a while. I pulled out my sunglasses and went back inside the building. I had to go to a meeting with my betrayer on a student. When the guidance couselor asked me if I was ok, I said in front of my betrayer I was fine, I thought something bad had happened, but I was wrong, nothing bad happened. I never spoke to my "friend" again. When I left the meeting my boss followed me out and I told him what happened. He followed me out to my car. He said he was glad I did not drive off because I probably would have wrecked my car. I was worried I could not find my keys, so we went to my car together. While I was outside I talked to my boss about what was really happening to me and he told me to see a doctor. I finally agreed to see one. When we reached my car, on the ground right underneath the drivers side door, laid my car keys. They were not there before.
I did as I promised and went to the doctor. Four months had passed since the time he had left.. I was not getting better. The doctor preformed many tests and I had to wait a while for the results. He found out I had mono, I did not get it the fun way either! It also turned out I have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. They do not know how people get fibromyalgia some did not believe it was a real illness. If I had to describe what a bad day is like just image what it would feel like if you ran all day in sand and then had someone beat the living tar out of you. The pain can be debilitating and depressing. Chronic fatigue and mono are well known. Mono is a virus and with any virus takes time to dissipate. Chronic fatigue syndrome accompanies fibro and mono. No matter how much sleep you do your don't get it feels like you just laid down when the alarm goes off in the morning. Your body never gets a chance to recover. So basically I am in pain all the time, I feel tired all the time, it is like a never ending flu where you feel drained and ache all the time.
After the doctor told me what was happening to me I drove to my in-laws to get my son. It had been 5 months since my husband left, he was living at my in-laws. That prevented me from going to seek solace from his mom. This made me feel truly all alone. His parents and I were very close and she did not seek me out even though I sought to speak to her many times. I felt abandoned again. I swore not to place my trust in anyone else and promised myself I was going to be ok. I was going to provide my own solace.
When I would pick up my son, my husband, was usually never around. That night he was. He helped me carry our child to the car and buckle him in. He gave me some money for food and formula. It was a beautiful, cool, October night. The moon was large and full. When he handed me the money it was the first time since he left that he actually looked me in the eye. He told me he had been thinking. Another friend of his left his wife and after 7 months went back to her. He said that I was still his wife and that he loved me. Tears streamed down my face, the words I had wanted to hear for so long were said. He kissed me and I held him tightly and cried. I asked him to come home to his family, we could work things out. I told him how I did not want our son to grow up without a family. He held me and said its not just me. I broke our embrace and asked him what did that mean?
Later the truth and part 3...
This is not about pity, this is about strength. It is about going as low as you think your sole can take and still fighting the good fight.
This is the part where I am still sinking, but I do not drown. And now the rest of the story....(I love Paul Harvey!)
When my then husband walked out the door after handing me his wedding band I put it on top of my band. I wore the rings together to symbolize what my deepest desire was, for him to come back to us. I could not let go of this thought, but I did not have time to deal with it either. I had a child to take care of I had to work and provide a future for us. I put myself into overdrive.
My husband over drafted our joint account. The bank told me I could not close the account unless I made it current and I could not close it without his signature. So, I opened my own account at the same bank. He threatened if I closed the account he would stop paying me. I needed the money since I was so far behind in all the bills. So he won. He bounced the account to pay me money for support. Eventually he got the balance so far in the negative the overdraft was spent. That week when I got paid the bank took my check to cover the negative without me knowing what happened. I was trying to buy formula when my card stopped working. I went to the bank and got a balance. I lost it right in the bank when I saw my paycheck was gone. I had already written the bills out and nothing was going to get paid. They had to take me into the back office and I explained what had happened. I had no shame for crying at this point and I could not stop myself if I had wanted to. The bank officer told me I could have and should have closed the account. I did not need my husband’s permission. The account was 38 dollars negative and the bank paid it and I closed the account. My sole account was already substantially negative. She gave me her card and told me to wait a few days and they would reverse all the bounce charges. I was grateful but it did not put food on the table. I cried all the way home.
This was the lowest point I thought. What did I do to him that was so bad? I loved him, took care of him, made a child with him. What did I do that was so wrong.. Just kept playing in my head. I composed myself and called his house. He was not there, so I told his father what happened. He gave me some money for food but my whole paycheck was gone. I did not eat for two weeks, but my son did. I could not eat even if I wanted to, I could not even keep down water and crackers.
In order to keep the house I worked two jobs one full time, one part time, and re-enrolled in college full time. I saw my baby only when he was sleeping, for a few precious hours in the morning, and weekends for over a year. I was lucky to have some friends help me out by watching him when I went to school and work. I would hold him and cry at night when he was sleeping. I would not cry in front of him. I cried when I drove to work, drove home, and especially on Fridays when I knew I had to face a weekend or holiday alone. I did this for two years. Over time I would cry less and less but it took two years to stop crying completely. When men leave it usually means one thing. Another woman. A friend finally convinced me to leave the house after a few months into my separation. We live in a diverse county. I was born, raised, and schooled here. My husband’s parents and my parents live in the same small city. Many times I have passed either my husband or his folks on the road. There is no place to hide it seems sometimes. After much coaxing I took my friends advise and went downtown with her and my son.
We passed by one of the downtown spots my husband frequented. It was Sunday, and the restaurant/bar was near empty. I knew the bartender since high school and he immediately came up to me and asked me what was wrong. Apparently my husband, his girlfriend, who was a bartender at the place he moonlighted at as a bouncer, and her son were there the weekend before. When my bartender friend asked where I was my husband said we mutually decided to split. As I was explaining the story of what had happened my back was to the sidewalk. In mid sentence my friend who was facing the sidewalk took my son from my arms. I was puzzled at the expressions on their faces. I asked them what was wrong. They told me my husband, the girlfriend, and kid just walked by. I ran out the door, they covered two blocks by the time I got out the doorway. It was my first glimpse of her. She was tall, like him, thin, and in an instant they turned the corner and was gone. I felt sick and just stood there for a moment, looking at the spot they disappeared into, as the sun sank down, it seemed to take my heart and strength with it. I was replaced. The human body can only take so much, the human mind however is a powerful tool. My body began to fail, I kept getting sicker, and sicker. I was so weak that I would fall asleep while driving, in class, at work. Something was wrong. I had an understanding boss, who later became my best friend. He figured out what was going on and cornered me one day. He told me I know. I was almost in tears when I asked him what he meant. I did not tell anyone what had happened to me. I did not want to be pitted. I was ashamed. I had become what I feared most, a single mother, another statistic of daily modern life.
I eventually let a very small group of friends know. I was betrayed by one "friend" who spread gossip about my situation. The shock of that betryal hit me especially hard, it ripped open my heart again. I went ballastic at work when the school gossip threw the news of my situation in my face. I went out to the car, tears streaming, sobbing, and I could not find my keys to the car to leave. I had no where to go and just cried in the parking lot for a while. I pulled out my sunglasses and went back inside the building. I had to go to a meeting with my betrayer on a student. When the guidance couselor asked me if I was ok, I said in front of my betrayer I was fine, I thought something bad had happened, but I was wrong, nothing bad happened. I never spoke to my "friend" again. When I left the meeting my boss followed me out and I told him what happened. He followed me out to my car. He said he was glad I did not drive off because I probably would have wrecked my car. I was worried I could not find my keys, so we went to my car together. While I was outside I talked to my boss about what was really happening to me and he told me to see a doctor. I finally agreed to see one. When we reached my car, on the ground right underneath the drivers side door, laid my car keys. They were not there before.
I did as I promised and went to the doctor. Four months had passed since the time he had left.. I was not getting better. The doctor preformed many tests and I had to wait a while for the results. He found out I had mono, I did not get it the fun way either! It also turned out I have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. They do not know how people get fibromyalgia some did not believe it was a real illness. If I had to describe what a bad day is like just image what it would feel like if you ran all day in sand and then had someone beat the living tar out of you. The pain can be debilitating and depressing. Chronic fatigue and mono are well known. Mono is a virus and with any virus takes time to dissipate. Chronic fatigue syndrome accompanies fibro and mono. No matter how much sleep you do your don't get it feels like you just laid down when the alarm goes off in the morning. Your body never gets a chance to recover. So basically I am in pain all the time, I feel tired all the time, it is like a never ending flu where you feel drained and ache all the time.
After the doctor told me what was happening to me I drove to my in-laws to get my son. It had been 5 months since my husband left, he was living at my in-laws. That prevented me from going to seek solace from his mom. This made me feel truly all alone. His parents and I were very close and she did not seek me out even though I sought to speak to her many times. I felt abandoned again. I swore not to place my trust in anyone else and promised myself I was going to be ok. I was going to provide my own solace.
When I would pick up my son, my husband, was usually never around. That night he was. He helped me carry our child to the car and buckle him in. He gave me some money for food and formula. It was a beautiful, cool, October night. The moon was large and full. When he handed me the money it was the first time since he left that he actually looked me in the eye. He told me he had been thinking. Another friend of his left his wife and after 7 months went back to her. He said that I was still his wife and that he loved me. Tears streamed down my face, the words I had wanted to hear for so long were said. He kissed me and I held him tightly and cried. I asked him to come home to his family, we could work things out. I told him how I did not want our son to grow up without a family. He held me and said its not just me. I broke our embrace and asked him what did that mean?
Later the truth and part 3...
posted by Diayah | 11:34 PM
2 Comments:
Yeah...as sad as the story is, I think we all agree that you gotta finish this...It's better (or worse, I guess) than a book...The sad part of it all, tho, is that its all true...but I know in the end, your gonna say you made it thru, and your happy...right????
Ok OK kids.. calm down. I had to stop because I eventually have to go to bed you know.
Post a Comment
<< Home