Part 3 Truth, concequence, and happiness.

Its not just me.. the words echoed. Its not just me. Its not just me... because I she is carrying my baby. The words cut me to the core. My gaze left him.. I stared at my toddler son sleeping so peaceful. I felt nothing. I was dead. I felt cold and numb. I started to ask why. Nothing came out. Its not just me... would be the words that hunted my sleep for a long time. I looked into his eyes one last time. Is she nice? I don't know why I asked that, I guess I was in shock. I got into the car and I don't remember how I got home. I finally got the words I wanted followed by the words I never wanted to hear. How could he do this to me? I knew they had a relationship. I got the statements from the bank card. I sadistically calculated the date of the statement to the news I received. On our 10th anniversary he charged a room for two at the red roof inn, I counted over and over. That was the day she conceived.

I don't remember much in the following days. Guilt is a powerful motivator for good and bad deeds. He slowly stopped paying and I started resenting him. I took the rings and went to the pawn shop and got my baby food for the week. I also got a lawyer for a divorce. I was tired and getting worse again. The doctor, and some of my friends were really worried about me. I was a shell of a person, I was more like a machine. I worked, and worked, went to school and worked. My heart was ice, I had no affect, no feeling. My only ambition was to keep my home and take care of my son. The only way I could keep the bills at bay was to work the two jobs. I had to go to college to get a better job. It was a vicious cycle. My son also did not let me sleep. He would get up in the middle of the night crying. To get just a few hours of precious sleep I had to have him stay in bed with me. When he woke he would see me and go back to bed. I think he was worried too. Everyone said I was loosing the battle. The doctor ordered me to quit work or school; I had a semester to go and I refused.

It was during this time when I was weak and alone that I had a close friend confessed he had feelings for me. Problem being he was married. I knew him for several years, his wife, and his kids. I tried to convince him he was mistaken. I told him not to go down that path, but to take the high road and work on his problems. Over time we would talk and talk about things in our lives. We were completely different but experiencing the same emptiness and pain. Both of us are moral and religious people. We would torture ourselves over what we were contemplating. This was not like me or him. I began to feel again for the first time in the year that had past. How could a wrong feel so powerfully right? I was a hypocrite and I would punish myself for my thoughts of temptation. But our feelings for one another continued to grow.

Then one day I saw him out with his little girl, they stopped and said hi to me. The pain of truth was evident as I looked at his little girl. We were wrong to have these feelings. Though it all we remain friends, even to this day. He showed me though his caring and understanding how wrong my marriage was and how now I needed to take the time to be myself. Problem was I did not know who I was. With patience and guidance he helped me while I helped him. The important thing was he showed me I could feel. I was still alive. He taught me I could love someone; I knew could not be with him. It was not meant to be. It was a turning point.

The next month was a blur. Budget cuts cost me my part time job, and then I got the news my full time job was to be eliminated that summer. I had to finish school or I would be out of a job. I worked feverishly at staying awake and doing well in school. The bills pilled up I could not make it without the extra job. My husband was not paying and the divorce process was crawling. I had to turn in my car and I told the dealer I could not pay anymore. I managed to get a much smaller and only slightly less expensive car so I could continue to work and go to school.

December came I had made it to graduation, alive. A week after I walked down the isle with my bachelors, I lost the house. My son and I had to move out of the home I swore he would grow up in. Every position that was worth anything I sold so I did not have to loose the house but it was not enough. I had no choice but to move back in with my mother. My mom and sisters are not kid friendly people so I had to be on guard to protect my son from their verbal attacks.

The following month I got notice that my divorce was proceeding. My soon to be ex wrote down on his deposition a bunch of lies about what had happened and his income. He told the mediator that he left me because I was no good to him. I would work all the time and never had time for him or my son. The thought screamed though my head: I worked two jobs so he could hook up with his bartender! He even wrote on the deposition that he was engaged to be married, which ticked off the mediator. How can you be engaged to be married when your not divorced yet.

Then the moment I had dreaded. I finally got to meet the other woman face to face. My attorney questioned her, she was polished, practiced, and articulate with her answers. I could not stand to look at her. She replaced me. She was tall, thin, and tan. I kept hearing my husbands words echo in my head, how ugly, fat, unattractive, lazy, bitchy, boring, I was. They sang in chorus with the ghosts of my parents comments when I was a kid in my head. Stupid. Trash. Worthless. She was none of these things, I thought. I glanced down at the ground and waited for the questions to stop.

He got his due when the amount of child support was announced to him. He got upset and jumped up and shouted but I just had a baby how can I afford to pay her that! Everyone, his attorney, my attorney, and the mediator all said at once that’s not her problem, we are here for this kid in this marriage. The look on his face was my moment of joy. I never sought to be vindictive, mean, or ugly. But I enjoyed that moment. He got me back by petitioning for sole custody, which was denied. He was granted every other weekend, and Wednesdays. He would only take my son if he was well, if he had any kind of sniffle, cough, scratched thumb he would not have him. Being a fair weather father is tough.

With my divorce over, no home, and my time on my job running out I had to turn to me. I applied for several jobs and got one far away from my home but it was the highest paying one! I did it I was going to be ok, at least financially. It was too late to save my home but with the money I was going to be making I could afford to move back out and have a real place to live with my son. My son will never know he was my rock in all of this. His behavior changed dramatically and my happy, strong, independent, little boy was clinging, sullen, and worried all the time. I tried so hard to make the transition from having a home to living in a room as painless as possible. I shielded him from my families’ acid tongue. Their words to us were harsh and cruel but we had a nice warm place to sleep at night. So we spend as much time as possible away from my mom's house. We would walk downtown, go to the park, pool, and just listen to the music from the sidewalk cafe's at night. It was a fun but exhausting life. For someone with my aliments to do this after working a full day's job was detrimental. I did it for my baby, and it kept me going.

With the job taken care of I needed to fix me socially after much coaxing my close friend convinced I needed to date people. He coordinated my outfits and gave me pep talks. I needed to live for my sons sake he would tell me. So I did.

I dated some but I still felt empty and sad inside. He coached me to be the person I pretended to be at work - strong and confident. I actually asked some guys out for the first time in my life. I was scared but I was determined not to fail. Most of the guys I met were shallow and I was getting disappointed. Again my friend encouraged me to not give up and do something I would never consider doing. So I did, one of the most memorable of the experiences was with a guy who worked in the radio business.

He was charming, witty, fun loving and had a very sexy voice. He would openly talk about the fact he was single and how he loved kids. I never had the courage to call up a station before, but I made myself do it. I was scared out of my mind every time I phoned. But I did it because it is something I would have never done before. Eventually I won a contest and he kindly offered to hold the tickets at the station for me since he knew I lived so far away. I was intimidated to meet him face to face. I was still very insecure about my appearance but a girlfriend of mine went with me for moral support. Went I went to the station I was greeted by a tall man who was as handsome as he was charming. We talked for a few moments and then my friend and I left. I had taken a first step, something new. A few days later I did call and asked him if be intersted in going out sometime. He said it would be ok, but I lived too far away for him to drive. I was really disappointed, but it was not a flat out no, and he sounded sincere. This act was the springboard that gave me the courage to make a decision that forever changed my life. A friend called that day and wanted to set me up on a blind date. I had never been on a blind date before. I thought to myself if I have the courage to call a complete stranger and ask them if they want to go out sometime; how was this different?

I went on the date and met a person completely opposite from my ex-husband. He was shy and awkward but he seemed sweet and kind. We dated several times and then I broke it off. I got scared. All these "what if's" were playing in my head. How could I trust someone?, how could I let someone in my life now after everything that has happened?. I thought my ex-husband was my sole mate and now I am going to make another mistake again! I withdrew and avoided everyone for a few days. Then I looked at my son as he was asleep in the car. I hope you dance played...I hope you never feel those mountains in the distance.. never settle for the path of least resistance.. I decided to finish what I had the courage to start. I went out on another date but this time with my son in tow.

My son was cautious but warmed up to him. I saw how they interacted and figured if my son could trust again after what he had been though I could trust too. When I allowed myself to openly feel again; we fell in love very quickly. Everything moved very fast, but I was never afraid again. It felt right. I felt like I knew this man, I just met, my whole life. I felt complete after two years of feeling dead and shattered. I felt alive and strong. I met the most caring and loving person I have ever known.

My health has since improved but I have never been completely well. I got pregnant after knowing him just a few short months. We got married and we are now a real family. My son has flourished and is growing up in his step dad's image as a kind and thoughtful man. I know I complained before about there being more to life.. but what I meant was being more to life then being trapped by work and bills.. drowned by debt and missing opportunities because of money.. I did not mean anything about my family. Trust me I have worked hard to get here, I am not giving this up.

Incidentally, I still call that radio station and talk to that clever, handsome man, who I now consider a good friend. He never knew that his simple act of kindness and caring gave me the strength to continue on down the broken road of my life that led me to the loving husband and family I have today.

And that, as Paul Harvey would say, is the rest of the story.