The Gloves are off. My turn to RANT.

The Gloves are off. My turn to RANT.

Ok I know I said I would not post until Kirsten posted but I did hear from her through IM and she is ok but won't be back for a few weeks and I can't keep silent that long.

I am fuming.

The past several weeks have really sucked. Work, and School. I have been very stressed at HOME as well but not in a negative way just more irrational fears…which will be resolved as soon as a plane from California touches down tomorrow evening. I will dedicate this to WORK.

Some people are born know what they want to do in life, other people only have one talent or skill. Some are born into family business they take over as they get older, others run away seeking something new. Some people are good at nothing and just do whatever job they can find to get by, other people are good at everything they touch.

Then there is someone like me, with no clue, no direction, and no guidance. I am a professional college student majoring in everything at least once. I am good at the things I attempt but I always have this feeling I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am not happy, I hate my job most of the time, and the frustration has been growing like a summers afternoon thunderstorm.

For a better lack of a good description of what I do – I am a troubleshooter. I always end up in this role, no matter where I go. It has been this way since I was 13 when I started working for a paycheck outside of home.

I am a certified special education teacher working at a youth facility (nice word for prison) with secondary level boys. I started my “career” 10 years ago when I thought I would take this teaching aide job temporarily as I look for police departments to apply for. I worked my way up quickly from teacher’s aide, to bookkeeper, to behavior interventionist (its like a dean), to OJT (on the job training counselor), to computer lab instructor, to instructional technical support assistant, to teacher.

Right now I am the Tech Coordinator, Academic Improvement Plan coordinator, Transition Specialist, Entry and Exit Testing Coordinator, and School Improvement Chairperson. Sounds easy don’t it? Like I can sit on my rear all day and get paid for doing nothing (WHY can’t I ever find a job like that). The job I have is killing me. And considering my emotional state lately I have had it.

Why can’t I figure out what I want to do!!!!!!!!!!!.
I can sit others down and figure out what they want to do. But I can’t do that for myself. Each of the jobs I have held are fly by the seat of your pants, do everything that is expected of you even though you don’t have enough time or people or resources to do things kind of jobs. These jobs have chewed people up and sip them out and these were the tough people most others just quit no long into the positions.

I feel so lost. I am not afraid though I am just angry. And I am not sure who I am angry at but it is probably me.

Maybe I am making more out of this than it is but I wish I was good at just one thing. I am passionate about doing the best job I can, I am not a slacker, I am high strung, competitive, quick witted, and even sharper tongued. Yet all these “skills” don’t add up to anything.

Today I got so frustrated I just started jumping up and down screaming because I though I was going to throw something, (or someone) through a window. NOTE we don’t have windows only triple reinforced lexain.

Nothing at work has gone right since before x-mas break. Everything I have worked on, touched, or planned has gone to crap. I don’t want to get up to go to work anymore and I have never said that in my entire life.

Right now work has become impossible, impossible people, tasks, and deadlines. I feel like everyone is pointing at me going HOW COME THIS ISNT DONE.
Everyday I feel combative. There are so many holes in my tongue that I think it has been replaced by a slice of Swiss cheese.

SO WHY DON’T I JUST LEAVE.
Reason One: I work for a good boss, who is a great person, who is also one of my best friends. She is going through a lot of crap right now, I am her rock, the person she can count on and I can’t handle the thought of letting her down.

Reason Two: MONEY MONEY MONEY.

Reason Three: NO clue as to what in the heck I would go and do.

Sean talks about dreams, dreaming big, chasing them, catching them, living them. I am so freaking JELIOUS. I almost remember being able to dream. ALMOST.

BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW. It was like that part of me died and it is the thing I have always tried to find. I look inside and I don’t see hope I see anger. I don’t see dreams it is just dark, black, and void.

I have tried talking to people, taking tests, trying new things, I don’t have a hobby, unless being a vindictive bitch counts, and even then I am now a reformed vindictive bitch. So what am I left with!!! Other suggestions are: what brings me happiness? – JOB WISE NOTHING. I am bitter and I hate it.

SO CHANGE AND STOP BITCHING. NO problem if someone can just tell me HOW. With the four hours I have left over from the day of working 8 – 12 hours a day, taking care of the family and going to school. These are the 4 hours in which I sometimes reserve for sleeping!!!!

I am the type of person who fixes things not complains about them but this problem is soooooooooo beyond me. I have been fighting it for 15 years with no solution. WHY IS THIS SO HARD! I MAKE ALL SIMPLE THINGS HARD.

I feel like I have failed in life because I can’t figure out what I want to do with it and it is passing me by. I am so tired of trying to run after a vague feeling of what is supposed to be.

I feel like something is out there just beyond my grasp and I can’t feel it or touch it yet I know its there.. and it is the answer. I feel like a car that can’t get out of gear whose wheels are trapped and spinning wildly.

I used to term myself as a realist - I wasn’t an optimist and I wasn’t a pessimist.
Now I am nothing. Just there, I guess would be a better term.

Since where on the quote thing here is one that is an example of ME:

Is the glass half full or half empty? WHO CARES!!
Just fill it with something useful and DRINK IT – Bruce Lee.