Part 2 life's little challenges.
This is not about pity, this is about strength. It is about going as low as you think your sole can take and still fighting the good fight.

This is the part where I am still sinking, but I do not drown. And now the rest of the story....(I love Paul Harvey!)

When my then husband walked out the door after handing me his wedding band I put it on top of my band. I wore the rings together to symbolize what my deepest desire was, for him to come back to us. I could not let go of this thought, but I did not have time to deal with it either. I had a child to take care of I had to work and provide a future for us. I put myself into overdrive.

My husband over drafted our joint account. The bank told me I could not close the account unless I made it current and I could not close it without his signature. So, I opened my own account at the same bank. He threatened if I closed the account he would stop paying me. I needed the money since I was so far behind in all the bills. So he won. He bounced the account to pay me money for support. Eventually he got the balance so far in the negative the overdraft was spent. That week when I got paid the bank took my check to cover the negative without me knowing what happened. I was trying to buy formula when my card stopped working. I went to the bank and got a balance. I lost it right in the bank when I saw my paycheck was gone. I had already written the bills out and nothing was going to get paid. They had to take me into the back office and I explained what had happened. I had no shame for crying at this point and I could not stop myself if I had wanted to. The bank officer told me I could have and should have closed the account. I did not need my husband’s permission. The account was 38 dollars negative and the bank paid it and I closed the account. My sole account was already substantially negative. She gave me her card and told me to wait a few days and they would reverse all the bounce charges. I was grateful but it did not put food on the table. I cried all the way home.

This was the lowest point I thought. What did I do to him that was so bad? I loved him, took care of him, made a child with him. What did I do that was so wrong.. Just kept playing in my head. I composed myself and called his house. He was not there, so I told his father what happened. He gave me some money for food but my whole paycheck was gone. I did not eat for two weeks, but my son did. I could not eat even if I wanted to, I could not even keep down water and crackers.

In order to keep the house I worked two jobs one full time, one part time, and re-enrolled in college full time. I saw my baby only when he was sleeping, for a few precious hours in the morning, and weekends for over a year. I was lucky to have some friends help me out by watching him when I went to school and work. I would hold him and cry at night when he was sleeping. I would not cry in front of him. I cried when I drove to work, drove home, and especially on Fridays when I knew I had to face a weekend or holiday alone. I did this for two years. Over time I would cry less and less but it took two years to stop crying completely. When men leave it usually means one thing. Another woman. A friend finally convinced me to leave the house after a few months into my separation. We live in a diverse county. I was born, raised, and schooled here. My husband’s parents and my parents live in the same small city. Many times I have passed either my husband or his folks on the road. There is no place to hide it seems sometimes. After much coaxing I took my friends advise and went downtown with her and my son.

We passed by one of the downtown spots my husband frequented. It was Sunday, and the restaurant/bar was near empty. I knew the bartender since high school and he immediately came up to me and asked me what was wrong. Apparently my husband, his girlfriend, who was a bartender at the place he moonlighted at as a bouncer, and her son were there the weekend before. When my bartender friend asked where I was my husband said we mutually decided to split. As I was explaining the story of what had happened my back was to the sidewalk. In mid sentence my friend who was facing the sidewalk took my son from my arms. I was puzzled at the expressions on their faces. I asked them what was wrong. They told me my husband, the girlfriend, and kid just walked by. I ran out the door, they covered two blocks by the time I got out the doorway. It was my first glimpse of her. She was tall, like him, thin, and in an instant they turned the corner and was gone. I felt sick and just stood there for a moment, looking at the spot they disappeared into, as the sun sank down, it seemed to take my heart and strength with it. I was replaced. The human body can only take so much, the human mind however is a powerful tool. My body began to fail, I kept getting sicker, and sicker. I was so weak that I would fall asleep while driving, in class, at work. Something was wrong. I had an understanding boss, who later became my best friend. He figured out what was going on and cornered me one day. He told me I know. I was almost in tears when I asked him what he meant. I did not tell anyone what had happened to me. I did not want to be pitted. I was ashamed. I had become what I feared most, a single mother, another statistic of daily modern life.

I eventually let a very small group of friends know. I was betrayed by one "friend" who spread gossip about my situation. The shock of that betryal hit me especially hard, it ripped open my heart again. I went ballastic at work when the school gossip threw the news of my situation in my face. I went out to the car, tears streaming, sobbing, and I could not find my keys to the car to leave. I had no where to go and just cried in the parking lot for a while. I pulled out my sunglasses and went back inside the building. I had to go to a meeting with my betrayer on a student. When the guidance couselor asked me if I was ok, I said in front of my betrayer I was fine, I thought something bad had happened, but I was wrong, nothing bad happened. I never spoke to my "friend" again. When I left the meeting my boss followed me out and I told him what happened. He followed me out to my car. He said he was glad I did not drive off because I probably would have wrecked my car. I was worried I could not find my keys, so we went to my car together. While I was outside I talked to my boss about what was really happening to me and he told me to see a doctor. I finally agreed to see one. When we reached my car, on the ground right underneath the drivers side door, laid my car keys. They were not there before.

I did as I promised and went to the doctor. Four months had passed since the time he had left.. I was not getting better. The doctor preformed many tests and I had to wait a while for the results. He found out I had mono, I did not get it the fun way either! It also turned out I have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. They do not know how people get fibromyalgia some did not believe it was a real illness. If I had to describe what a bad day is like just image what it would feel like if you ran all day in sand and then had someone beat the living tar out of you. The pain can be debilitating and depressing. Chronic fatigue and mono are well known. Mono is a virus and with any virus takes time to dissipate. Chronic fatigue syndrome accompanies fibro and mono. No matter how much sleep you do your don't get it feels like you just laid down when the alarm goes off in the morning. Your body never gets a chance to recover. So basically I am in pain all the time, I feel tired all the time, it is like a never ending flu where you feel drained and ache all the time.

After the doctor told me what was happening to me I drove to my in-laws to get my son. It had been 5 months since my husband left, he was living at my in-laws. That prevented me from going to seek solace from his mom. This made me feel truly all alone. His parents and I were very close and she did not seek me out even though I sought to speak to her many times. I felt abandoned again. I swore not to place my trust in anyone else and promised myself I was going to be ok. I was going to provide my own solace.

When I would pick up my son, my husband, was usually never around. That night he was. He helped me carry our child to the car and buckle him in. He gave me some money for food and formula. It was a beautiful, cool, October night. The moon was large and full. When he handed me the money it was the first time since he left that he actually looked me in the eye. He told me he had been thinking. Another friend of his left his wife and after 7 months went back to her. He said that I was still his wife and that he loved me. Tears streamed down my face, the words I had wanted to hear for so long were said. He kissed me and I held him tightly and cried. I asked him to come home to his family, we could work things out. I told him how I did not want our son to grow up without a family. He held me and said its not just me. I broke our embrace and asked him what did that mean?

Later the truth and part 3...

Adversity and lives little challenges..

I am supposed to be doing my homework.. but I am at the vary least disinterested.
Many of you have shared real personal details about your life.. your pain, your disapointments, what pisses you off, what you would like to piss on.. etc.

I will tell you a little about me.. I am the oldest of 3 children.. my parents should have never gotten together.. I say this not because I did not wish to be born.. or my sisters to be born.. but I do not think they ever liked each other.. never mind loved each other.. but 3 kids were born of this "union" of marital bliss..

I thought everyone's parents slept in separate rooms when I was a kid.. my middle sister, my dad and I shared a room for many years.. my mom and my kid sister were in the other.. I though that was "normal". My family had problems.. I was almost killed by my mom and dad fighting when I was 7. She had a gun and was drunk.. mom my laid the weapon, which I though at the time was a toy on my dresser.. my dad and mom wrestled on my bed the gun was pointed right at me and I froze.. I did not know what to do.. I just cried... while my dad was screaming for me to call the cops I woke.. time seemed to slow down..I grabbed my sisters hand and I took them into my moms room and locked the door and picked up the phone crying and called my aunt. It was the first time I was scared and it had a profound impact. I am not close with my family even though we live in the same county. I always wish I had a "normal" family relationship with them.

I hated my life then.. but at the same time I knew as a kid I had it good...I was one of those kids who liked being a kid. .. My grandfather raised me...I spent most of my time with him until he died when I was a teen.. I was mad at him for leaving me when I needed him most. He was the first person who believed in me. He wanted me to be a singer.. he bought me equiptment to practice on.. and loved and encouraged me to sing.. I quit the day he died.. I had no reason to sing anymore.. I was my grandfathers son.. in a girls form.. I did some girl stuff.. dance, gymnastics, and stuff but I was into sports and martial arts - I was a black belt...My grandfather wanted me to be a singer or a broadcaster.. but he was not disappointed when I wanted to be an astronaut's...I love science still do. I taught astronomy when I was 13 - 18 at the local planetarium.. I loved it. First time and last time I really loved a job! But who can survive on 5.00 an hour!

Anyway, I was awkward and had low self esteem. When my folks finally divorced when I was in high school, they were no help. My mom called me trash, stupid, and just like my father.. My dad called me bitchy, demanding, and ungrateful just like my mom.. So I learned to face my demons early in life..I was actually shy in high school but no one would guess that about me now. My grandfather taught me to speak my mind, this doesn't win you false friends.. or many friends for that matter.. I can be gruff..

At 13 I came down with a serious case of pneumonia which almost killed me. I was in ICU for a month - I refused to be on full bed rest. The nurses were all impressed when I made me self sit up and went to the rest room by myself.. I faced death before I was not going quietly. I got sick because I went on a DC 30 it is a twin prop plane with 30 seats.. Placard on the door said flown in WW2 should have been a sign.. not to go. I had never been on a plane before or since...the non pressurized cabin did not go well with my air sickness...and fluids got trapped. I survived but never went on a plane again.

My next event was after graduation when I met my first love. I never had a guy, especially a handsome one, take interest in me seriously. He was not intimidated by me and he had such a smile and eyes light brown with hits of green.. that just made me feel alive.. we were together for 9 years.. I lived for him.. I did everything for him.. I changed for him.. He became my world.. He cheated on me, said he was sorry, I took him back. He promised not to stray.. and it would happen again. I was in love. I did not want to end up like my parents. Relationships have problems you are supposed to work on problems as a team. I was the perfect 1950's wife. I kept the house, cooked the dinners, but I worked. Eventually I got pregnant and we got married.

When I told my mom I was expecting she said there are ways you can fix that. I never felt more alone. I was very close with my soon to be inlaws. His mom was more of a mother to me than my own mom.

My ex-husband later he said I pushed him into it but he pretty much blamed me for everything in the end. I did not have a shotgun at the wedding so I can not figure out how I forced anything. After the baby I worked two jobs he worked one and joined a gym. He wanted to work out and become "buff". One week before our ten year anniversary he told me he was through. He did not love me. He did not find me good looking, attractive, and he wanted out. He told me this infront of our baby, who was 2 at the time. I was sobbing why, I felt the whole world rip away, my heart sank, I got sick. My baby kept saying don't cry mommy and started crying too. He walked me to the car and I drove to his parents because I got no support from my folks. It was hard times. He left me worse than broke, I was 8 grand in debt. I had refinaced the house to pay off his debt. I worked, he paid bills. I was going to loose the house, car, and had no money for diapers, milk, or daycare. I was the one who made the better salary and I had nothing to show for it. He wanted me to divide the stuff, and decide what to do with the house right then after he told me we were though. I told him I could not make a decision now and he would have to wait.

When I came back to the house I packed him some clothes and told him to take some time and think about what he was throwing away. I wanted him to be happy. I told him I loved him and he gave me his wedding ring, and he walked out the door.....

To be continued..

I am official. I got a response to my online entry! Well it was more that I expected!
Thanks to Sean Moore for christening my blog. P.S. if any hot single south Florida women are reading this check him out his blog is called on sean's mind. He is a cute, young, and single.

So I was thinking about my so-called life. I think as responsible citizens we get our priorities screwed up. We are supposed to work and provide for our family, and ourselves but when does that leave time for anything else? We have one life to live and enjoy and love and experience new things but how many of us are trapped in a 9 x 8 cubicle all day, then race home to deal with school, or families, only to end up too exhausted to do anything but go to bed? There has to be more to life then this? I admire the irresponsible people at times, the ones who choose adventure over mediocrity. There is a country song that has the lyrics.. "Is there life out there, so much she has not know.. is there life beyond her family and her home..she does what she should..should she do what she dares.. she doesn't want to leave but she wonders is there life out there.

I guess I am melancholy. I just don't remember when dreaming of what I wanted to be when I grow up as an exhausted office worker, who has never done anything really, or traveled anywhere? In today's economy who can afford it? Gas prices can equal a small car payment now? Does anyone remember the day's when a single household income, yes usually earned by the man, provided food, clothing, a nice warm roof over your head, family vacations, and a car complete with Sunday road trips? Now you can't live on two paychecks.. unless one of you works two jobs!! I am not the type to kvetch (complain) and do nothing about it. I go to school at night to earn more money than I am currently making, I am trying to get over my fear of travel (hard to do when you have no money or energy to go anywhere). I am also trying to get over my fear of crowds (again hard to do when you have no energy) and I do not know a lot of people. I use to make friends easily but work encompasses so much of what I do that it is hard.

So today I encourage everyone, ok the one person who may read this blog, to find a dream to follow. Life should be an action adventure movie, not a passive wallflower existence.

Viva la dia.Live the day.

I have never blogged before. Well now I can say I have. I am old enough to be most of the other bloggers older.. sister. I am not a twentysomethinger anymore, I am a thirtysomethinger. I asked several co-workers if they even knew what a blog was? And what would you do with it? No one knew. I guess it has taken me twentysomething years to finally be cool and hip. Geeze now that is scary.

I like most people work to damn much, I am not going to bore you with it because I am trying to impose a rule on not talking about work when I am not there. I dedicate 10 or more hours slaving away, why one more?

Anyway my goal in life is to live it one day between going to work, school, and sleeping. I will be shocked as heck if anyone actually reads this dribble.

Well here is to my publishing debut on the world wide web. Le'chiam