Ok its been er.. YEARS since I wrote and I am sure no one really cares or follows me anymore.

New Years resolutions for 2011

1. I will bike ride - twice a week, health and weather permitting
2. Make new friends. - My life is boring and I am tired of not having people to hang with!! Time to take action!!!
3. Go back to school, again!

So far so good. I have ridden although once. Weather and health has not permitted more.
Make new friends.. started a meet up group. I hope good things come from it!

Go back to school. I have not done anything and I need to. I just don't know if I am ready to go back. Working two jobs and going to school with three kids.. well its a bridge I just finished crossing!!

We will see if I still keep up blogging.

Well I guess I am down to writing less than once a month now.. here is a quick summary.

Went to Orlando on business during our counties spring break.. which was sweet because I took the family and went to see the evil expensive rat.. aka Disney.. actually it was Animal Kingdom which was very cool.. but again way too damn expensive.. I have never taken my kids to Disney before and I will have to manage to find a way to return before my young children enter college. I had a working vacation and went to the technology conference.. which was very awesome - its like Office Depot, Comp USA, and Home Depot all in one huge package!

I stayed at the Embassy Suite on Jamaican Ct if you ever get to splurge and go STAY HERE.. not only was everyone and I mean EVERYONE completely friendly and awesome the complementary breakfast buffet was wonderful.. I ate sooooooooooooooo much every morning I wasn’t hungry until dinner. I don’t know how people are THAT friendly no matter what.. without some serious anger management training and lots of good prescription drugs..

What made everything that much cooler was the boss gave me the day before and the day after of the trip off which mean more time spending with my family. Working as much as I have been especially with the audit surprising us I really have not been around.. and when I am I am usually too tired and too sick to do anything with them...esp on weekends when everything hits me.

Ok.. well I returned to work.. rested and happy and you know what that means.. its the worlds opportunity to piss me off.. The short version of the story is I am being reassigned.. again.. this is the seventh?.. dunno actually I stopped counting.

From the outside you would think I am a bad employee but I am not .. unfortunately I am very good and I have lots of experience so when something fails I am like the plug that stops the ship from sinking. Well things were ok.. until I got back and it was like .. hey your being put back in the classroom and if you don't like it you can transfer.. I was crushed.. all the freaking work I did.. and they strip me of all my responsibilities and put me back in a classroom.. that hurt.. the fact that others knew and started talking about me and my new position before I even returned.. that hurt more.. then the icing on the cake.. I was told I am not administrative material.

Lets see.. I do my job, and sometimes everyone else’s, then I get bounced around here and there like some freaking ping pong.. I come in freakishly early, stay late.. but I am not management material.. ok..your right.. I am too damn competent. What hurts the most is some of the reasons why I am not management material is I get upset when people take my head off.. this was told in confidence but used against me. So after a year and a half of being told to change my major to admin.. and I did it last month.. I am NOW told.. I SHOULDNT WASTE MY TIME. So I dropped out of college. I dont want to waste my money on a masters degree if I don’t have backing.

I need time to think and re-evaluate things.

If anyone is even still reading at this point.. you know two things about me.. I HAVE very little clue what I REALLY want to do in life.. and I have the extraordinary talent - Fibro. I brought on one of the WORST fibro attacks.. ever.. that’s how truly sick and demented I am.. it ruined my wedding anniversary, took days from my family and my kids.. all because of WORK?

I am still in pain - but no where near the degree earlier in the week. The problem is I have stopped standing up for myself.

ALL year I am told how I am not politically correct enough, how I get tunnel vision into my tasks and my curt answers offend people. I care about what I do.. and once again I was given a job with the strings of 4 other major job responsibilities and told when we hire more people you will be able to do the job you were hired to do.. that moment came the day before I was reassigned! When your a grunt you put up with the crap to see the light at the end of the tunnel.. well let me tell you folks.. the light was a diesel engine that knocked me right on my ass..

Let me clear something else.. its not about going back into the classroom.. I have taught - I can teach- but the way it was done.. I get great reviews from the auditors about my work.. go on a conference - come back and its wham.. your not doing your job anymore your going back into a classroom - do technology for right now.. then I find out a work order was issued to send it out 3rd party and its like ok.. what am I hear for?

The real kicker.. is my boss is one of my best friends.. we have ALWAYS been able to maintain our professional and private friendship - but I never saw this coming.. I feel hurt, betrayed, and used. So here I sit trying hard not to think about work all week and weekend.. to no avail..

A teacher told me before I left on Thursday that she heard I was going back into the classroom on Monday. Of course I have heard no official word.. the whole school will know before I do.

Other highlights of my week include:

Catching a good friend lying to me about her ex-boyfriend.. whom I had to have the cops follow because he is not only a HUGE lying sack of crap but an ex con with a violent past.. they apparently reconciled.

Another good friend got date raped and wont report it because she was drunk - when it happened. My sister has chosen to forgo looking for real relationships with people and spends all of her time online....yes I am noting the IRONY here..

One shining moment.. my son. I went to field day on Friday.. and he not only participate in every event but won 1 - 1st place ribbon and 3 - 3rd place ribbons.. I am sooooooooooo proud of the way he preformed and acted!

These past few weeks have been hell.. but I have taken something from it. I have wanted something to push me to change - I think this is it. I am hoping to do some research on a different career - I am trying now to not have this get to me.. I know I have done a LOUSEY job so far but I am a slow learner. I am trying to put into perspective what really matters and what doesn’t.

This too is a busy week. I have to start physical therapy, take a test so I can keep my teaching job, and my son has two diagnostic appointments. I will try to write when I can.. but understand it all requires energy and right now I have to save as much as I can.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said.. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” I am going to hold on to those words this week..

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Conserve your energy! Take a break, rest your eyes, and take a swig of your favorite drink.

Lights on .. no one home.

Howdy all,

Well I guess when you don't update regularly you don't get comments eh?
Thats ok.. I guess I know who my friends are..lol.

Things have been down right crazy.

Work got really wacked, nothing working.. then getting really sick going to the doctor .. in the doctors office my cell rang and I found out our federal auditors were coming and there went my weekends, nights, evening, days.. well you get the point. Good thing the call was after my blood pressure was taken.. it was back to MY normal.. 103/65.. my normal is 90/60.. just another quirk about me.. I have scared many a EMT..

So far the audit at work is going well.. and I hope will continue doing so. The auditor was impressed with the job I was doing and even told my boss that I needed to get rid of some of my other job responsibilities.. well we will see.

I had a nervous break down this past week.. sick from vertigo, fatigue, and fibro.. had push me to the limits.. when my husband called and told me he got fired.. I had to be releaved because I was about to have a room full of kids...Things are working out and he is working for himself as a freelance bookeeper..so far so good.. my mom is a cpa so he has work from a client for about 6 months.. then I hope more will come.. I am trying not to panic.

My husband turned 41 Monday.. my In-laws were over my new apt this past weekend.. more stress.. I was tired from working.. and dinner was terrible.. I was so out of it.. I dont really click with them.. and every time they finally decide to visit... which is about 3 times a year.. something is wrong with me.. so I try to ACT NORMAL.. because those who dont get sick dont understand.

I had a student have a seizure while testing this past week. Everyone said I handled it well. He collapsed right on the laptop computers while testing.. knocked the components right out of the machine.. hit his head and lip.. and generally scared the crap out of me.. I have dealt with this before but not for a while.. I talked to him and got everything away - I was apprehensive.. I have been hit before by a small woman seizing and this kid was BIG. It stuck with me for a while.. the image of him helpless bleeding from the mouth.. trying to help him.. kind put things into perspective.. imaging having no control over something like that...completely helpless.

One of my co-workers died this week from her battle with cancer. She was a really tough and stubborn person.. strong.. she lasted 5 years longer than the doctors gave her.. but in the end I know she was suffering.. so I am glad she is resting peacefully now. I dont handle death well. I will have a hard time going for her memorial.. if I do go. I couldn’t visit her - just too much for me to handle.

The meds have finally worn off and my good friend gave me a complement - that I seem happier more like myself.. I told her I feel good almost great one minute and then completely stupid the next.. but there have been more good days than bad ones lately.. I had to call someone the other day and no one was around to talk to because I was freaked out with all this stress going on - I was actually in a great mood.. I had two people bite my head off.. and I was signing to myself.. it was completely WACKED... and hysterical at the same time.

My sister has been very depressed again.. she wants life to come get her.. instead of her going to get life.. I had lunch today with an incredibly cute, soon to be divorced single father.. I am hoping to set her up if him being 8 years older isnt an issue.. ah to be 25 again.. er.. never mind.. I like where I am now.. I feel bad for her.. she keeps finding loosers and has given up into a virtual world.. and she stays there..she is smart, quick witted, pretty, a good singer, and a great writer.. but you know the creative types.. she is a little melodramatic and well she is stuck in a rut and I am tired of her doing nothing about it!!!.. If she could only make some friends with some positive people.. I think her attitude would change.. I have tried to get her to join some civic groups or singles stuff.. but it isnt really her.. I am so glad I am not single. I don't think I could handle the dating world... KUDOS to those who are doing it and doing it well.

Well I guess thats enough.. every day is a gift.. how are you spending yours?

Ain't Broke yet but sure enough bending..

To borrow some Cowboy Troy here...Thats pretty much the way I feel right now..
All the stuff is moved in.. everyone has been paid: movers, power, cable, phone, internet, and alarm.. but I have not been feeling really well.. right before the move I started to react to it... and got sick. That sucked enough but I still had to help out with all the work and go to work and be a mom.. you get the picture..

As a result I am once again.. not on medication. I had another set back with a bad case of vertigo.. for those who don't know what that is like.. its when the world starts to move round and round.. without being drunk that is.. it sucks.. not much for that other than motion sickness meds.. which suck too because they just knock you out...

After all this drama I have decided to just stay off the damn pills.. I am sick of taking medicine.. and I really HATE when these things control me.. so right now I am not much company in person or online.. in the passing days.. the pain has become worse.. and my lovely mood swings become as active as a piece of recess equipment during playtime.. another confirmation on why I hate these pills.. but hey it could be worse I could be a rodeo clown..

You know its bad when the doctor runs out of pill names to throw at you. And the only one that ever worked is now off the market.. which is just as well because after only a few months I became dependant.. and thats not why I was prescribed it in the first place.. this is one of those if you took the pill when you are well it will make you sick kind of things..

So I am still living with boxes, pain, and now my own personal merry-go round.. well thats what it feels like if I tilt my head too much.. I have decided I am going to ask again for physical therapy and see if I can get off of this joy ride. I also have to make some REAL changes.. physically and mentally. I can not work anymore 10 hr days on a consistent basis.. its not good for me or my family... I can not get all worked up about work anymore.. I know what I am dealing with and I have to stop letting other people control me by upsetting me.. work is just work.. after 7.5hrs it will wait until tom.. I have to loose weight. This will be especially hard since every move is so painful right now.. I need to sleep.. I crash on the weekends being totally useless to my family due to my 3-5 hrs sleep a weeknight.. and working like a dog...this is not fair to them.. esp my son. My ex has not seen him since before thanksgiving, not that he really seems to miss him as much as his step brothers.. but the move although down the street moved him away from our next door neighbor and he has not taken it well.. I have not been able to do much with him because of my health.. On Sat's it is just me and the kids because my hubby has to work and when your only in your early 30's and have to rest every time you do anything it makes it really hard to be a parent. But it was worse when I was pregnant there was nothing out there on fibro patients who are pregnant.. it was a rough road.. thankfully over.

Thats the problem when you have both chronic fatigue and fibro.. which usually happens at the same time.. Pain is pain.. I can work through it most times.. med up when I can't take it but the fatigue is like fighting the ocean tide.. there is nothing to help you.. Thats bad enough but when people look at you.. because outward you look old, tired, and like something the cat threw up.. people's off the cuff comments can be cruel but their looks are unforgiving. I am of course my own worse critic.. I was picking up dinner one late night this weekend and caught my reflection in the mirror.. I was horrified at how old I looked.. and how awful it was.. I decided then its got to stop I need to seriously do something.

I know there are many other illnesses out there that deserve attention.. I mean I am not dying just feel like I was worked over by a meat tenderizer.. One of my co-workers is dying of cancer and now she is now released from hospice to carry out her final days.. living on morphine just to do so.. she is the one who needs the prayers and help.. I have not been able to see her... I have talked to her on the phone.. but I can't go visit.. My own selfish demons take over.. and being more unstable then normal.. I can't do it.. so as Tim sings.. "Live like you are dying"..

Each day is a gift.. how are you going to spend yours?

In Brief

In Brief.

Some of the things that I have been thinking about but I have not had the time to write.

…I AM MOVING IN 4 DAYS. I am STILL NOT FINISHED PACKING.

…How many boxes it takes to pack all the crap you have collected of the years.

…How hard it is to part with unpractical items.

…I wish there was a magic spell that would allow friends to take over all your decision making power until you can think clearly, again.

…Why aren’t women’s clothing sizes all standard and meaningful?

…The power of a little girls squeal when she sees you for the first time that day when you pick her up after school.

…The healing power of butterfly kisses, big hugs, and I love you.

…How difficult it can be just doing everyday tasks. How much one can take for granted being able to just walk from a backspace in a parking lot to the store.

…When measuring time is counted by days between doctors appointments…

…Knowing when to keep soldering on, when to stand up for yourself, when to bite your tongue, when to move on.

…learning how to live in the moment instead of wasting time analyzing it.

…wondering when we stopped believing in the unicorns, the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, magic, and all things we really can’t see. And are we better people for not believing in them?

I see if I can elaborate on some of this at one point. Got to go now.

Later!
Diayah

Another Day in Paradise.. OK Bri sorry for borrowing your catch phrase here.. but instead of saying how much working in Cambodia sucks.. I usually say this..Just another day in Paradise.. people usually laugh as the place I work in is only paradise in Hades. Where is it written that the moment you totally depend on someone to do their job is exactly 15 minutes before they totally drop the friggin ball? Today I started at 0600 having to do a walmart run for the school.. HEY Kirsten.. I started the day with DD!!!! A nice large one..lol. After dropping off a movie at Lackluster aka Blockbuster.. LATE of course.. I headed to work.. only to turn around 10 minutes later to go back home because.. DUH I forgot my laptop.. WOW I must have been TIRED... Then I went to work.. where I discovered I had to move all my crap AGAIN to another office.. this is common place for me.. my job title and location must change at least 3 times a year.. Somewhere in the scheme of life I pissed off Murphy.. and he declared martial law on my butt. Well about a half hour into moving I asked one of the secy if she had delivered all the paperwork needed for my kids who were going home.. her answer was NO. She didn't tell me it didn't get done. .and five minutes later the school was calling asking for it.. I had to rush around get all the things done.. when both copiers broke.. (I hope Murphy was having a great laugh) .. Being the techie I am I went to the fax and put it into copy mode.. got the paperwork copied and flew down to the school that is 11 miles away... Delivered and got everything signed and headed back to the main offices.. and was exhausted by 1030.. My goal was to leave at 1330.. I left at 1530 and had to go to another store for the school .. I picked up the kids.. went home.. and then had to go back to the market.. for paper stuff so I can pack my dishes..

OMG I move in 9 days and not one friggin thing is packed!!!!!!!!! Damn.

On the fibro front.. the med reduction is working.. My cold congestion and cough is finally going away. I almost felt good today.. but my stamina is terrible.. I am so weak that it is difficult to do much more than come home and just sit down. Sometimes I focus too much on the pain and not enough on the weakness.. there is absolutely nothing that can be given to you for it.. it is like a dead battery that will not charge no matter how long you have it plugged in. One of the hardest things about this illness is its unpredictability, I have tried going to bed earlier.. but I can't sleep.. other nights I hit the pillow and it feels like a minute later its time to get up to go to work and hours have passed by in a blink.. This is a hard few weeks for me because the doctor could not fit me in two week intervals.. My appointments are almost a month a part.. so my super B-12 shots will have to wait a few days..

Tomorrow I am hoping to get out earlier than normal and get something done.. if I have the energy... I got some advice from a former personal trainer that told me going on the treadmill is too much for me and I need to back off and start slower. Some very very light weights and a high number of reps are in order. I am going to start this out tom.. Hopefully...and maybe I can stick this back to this illness..

Well thats all for now.. behind the prison bars..lol...Hope everything is good and well with everyone.

I am still looking at those winds.. wondering what the message is there....

NO MORE SCHOOL NO MORE E-BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok well at least for 4 more weeks.. I did it.. sick for six weeks and finally passed this damn class.

I got a 90, which is an A-, but hell I thought I was a goner a few days ago when the work was piled high and my faith and health at basement bottom.

The next few weeks are going to be hell. I talked to the doc today and asked if there were other side effects from his latest bump. I became severely flu like right after the bump. There have been days I was so sick I couldn’t take the medicine. He told me to take the dose back down again… so in the roller coaster of emotions here I go again.. .Some times I stop and think what I am doing to myself.. and then I stop to think.. What.. AM I .. doing to myself.

There is no real reason for fibro. Some think its kind of like a post traumatic stress thing.. others believe it is a virus that wears you down... there are others who think fibro is a made up thing.. I ask them to live a life in my shoes... anytime.

I really hate taking these medications but I hate being sick.. more. I hate giving up control to something else. There are times when out of the blue I have an emotional reaction that I can not control. It is hard enough working in a mans line of work.. but having this ticking time bomb is at times unmanagable...but I am tired of being sick.

I have had person after person shy away from me.. 'cause they think what I have is contagious.. I made the mistake to go to services this sat.. something I use to love doing.. now like everything else .. is such an effort... I hate how everyone looked or treated me.. here is a hint.. if someone looks ill, wore out, tired.. don't tell them that’s how they look, or to cheer up and smile, it really pisses us off.. of course us.. is the chronically ill.. I guess I am the unofficial spokesperson of all who aren't well.. great title.. wonder what the perks are?

Anyways.. I am relieved that this class is over.. frustrated that this is the beginning of another grueling week... and exhausted because I have to start packing and move out of this apt in a few weeks..

I was surfing on the internet with the TV on in the background - drowning out the noise not really hearing it - when I hear this line.. when did life stop being fun and started being scary?


I can hear the winds.. I just don't know where their blowing..