Lights on .. no one home.

Howdy all,

Well I guess when you don't update regularly you don't get comments eh?
Thats ok.. I guess I know who my friends are..lol.

Things have been down right crazy.

Work got really wacked, nothing working.. then getting really sick going to the doctor .. in the doctors office my cell rang and I found out our federal auditors were coming and there went my weekends, nights, evening, days.. well you get the point. Good thing the call was after my blood pressure was taken.. it was back to MY normal.. 103/65.. my normal is 90/60.. just another quirk about me.. I have scared many a EMT..

So far the audit at work is going well.. and I hope will continue doing so. The auditor was impressed with the job I was doing and even told my boss that I needed to get rid of some of my other job responsibilities.. well we will see.

I had a nervous break down this past week.. sick from vertigo, fatigue, and fibro.. had push me to the limits.. when my husband called and told me he got fired.. I had to be releaved because I was about to have a room full of kids...Things are working out and he is working for himself as a freelance bookeeper..so far so good.. my mom is a cpa so he has work from a client for about 6 months.. then I hope more will come.. I am trying not to panic.

My husband turned 41 Monday.. my In-laws were over my new apt this past weekend.. more stress.. I was tired from working.. and dinner was terrible.. I was so out of it.. I dont really click with them.. and every time they finally decide to visit... which is about 3 times a year.. something is wrong with me.. so I try to ACT NORMAL.. because those who dont get sick dont understand.

I had a student have a seizure while testing this past week. Everyone said I handled it well. He collapsed right on the laptop computers while testing.. knocked the components right out of the machine.. hit his head and lip.. and generally scared the crap out of me.. I have dealt with this before but not for a while.. I talked to him and got everything away - I was apprehensive.. I have been hit before by a small woman seizing and this kid was BIG. It stuck with me for a while.. the image of him helpless bleeding from the mouth.. trying to help him.. kind put things into perspective.. imaging having no control over something like that...completely helpless.

One of my co-workers died this week from her battle with cancer. She was a really tough and stubborn person.. strong.. she lasted 5 years longer than the doctors gave her.. but in the end I know she was suffering.. so I am glad she is resting peacefully now. I dont handle death well. I will have a hard time going for her memorial.. if I do go. I couldn’t visit her - just too much for me to handle.

The meds have finally worn off and my good friend gave me a complement - that I seem happier more like myself.. I told her I feel good almost great one minute and then completely stupid the next.. but there have been more good days than bad ones lately.. I had to call someone the other day and no one was around to talk to because I was freaked out with all this stress going on - I was actually in a great mood.. I had two people bite my head off.. and I was signing to myself.. it was completely WACKED... and hysterical at the same time.

My sister has been very depressed again.. she wants life to come get her.. instead of her going to get life.. I had lunch today with an incredibly cute, soon to be divorced single father.. I am hoping to set her up if him being 8 years older isnt an issue.. ah to be 25 again.. er.. never mind.. I like where I am now.. I feel bad for her.. she keeps finding loosers and has given up into a virtual world.. and she stays there..she is smart, quick witted, pretty, a good singer, and a great writer.. but you know the creative types.. she is a little melodramatic and well she is stuck in a rut and I am tired of her doing nothing about it!!!.. If she could only make some friends with some positive people.. I think her attitude would change.. I have tried to get her to join some civic groups or singles stuff.. but it isnt really her.. I am so glad I am not single. I don't think I could handle the dating world... KUDOS to those who are doing it and doing it well.

Well I guess thats enough.. every day is a gift.. how are you spending yours?

Ain't Broke yet but sure enough bending..

To borrow some Cowboy Troy here...Thats pretty much the way I feel right now..
All the stuff is moved in.. everyone has been paid: movers, power, cable, phone, internet, and alarm.. but I have not been feeling really well.. right before the move I started to react to it... and got sick. That sucked enough but I still had to help out with all the work and go to work and be a mom.. you get the picture..

As a result I am once again.. not on medication. I had another set back with a bad case of vertigo.. for those who don't know what that is like.. its when the world starts to move round and round.. without being drunk that is.. it sucks.. not much for that other than motion sickness meds.. which suck too because they just knock you out...

After all this drama I have decided to just stay off the damn pills.. I am sick of taking medicine.. and I really HATE when these things control me.. so right now I am not much company in person or online.. in the passing days.. the pain has become worse.. and my lovely mood swings become as active as a piece of recess equipment during playtime.. another confirmation on why I hate these pills.. but hey it could be worse I could be a rodeo clown..

You know its bad when the doctor runs out of pill names to throw at you. And the only one that ever worked is now off the market.. which is just as well because after only a few months I became dependant.. and thats not why I was prescribed it in the first place.. this is one of those if you took the pill when you are well it will make you sick kind of things..

So I am still living with boxes, pain, and now my own personal merry-go round.. well thats what it feels like if I tilt my head too much.. I have decided I am going to ask again for physical therapy and see if I can get off of this joy ride. I also have to make some REAL changes.. physically and mentally. I can not work anymore 10 hr days on a consistent basis.. its not good for me or my family... I can not get all worked up about work anymore.. I know what I am dealing with and I have to stop letting other people control me by upsetting me.. work is just work.. after 7.5hrs it will wait until tom.. I have to loose weight. This will be especially hard since every move is so painful right now.. I need to sleep.. I crash on the weekends being totally useless to my family due to my 3-5 hrs sleep a weeknight.. and working like a dog...this is not fair to them.. esp my son. My ex has not seen him since before thanksgiving, not that he really seems to miss him as much as his step brothers.. but the move although down the street moved him away from our next door neighbor and he has not taken it well.. I have not been able to do much with him because of my health.. On Sat's it is just me and the kids because my hubby has to work and when your only in your early 30's and have to rest every time you do anything it makes it really hard to be a parent. But it was worse when I was pregnant there was nothing out there on fibro patients who are pregnant.. it was a rough road.. thankfully over.

Thats the problem when you have both chronic fatigue and fibro.. which usually happens at the same time.. Pain is pain.. I can work through it most times.. med up when I can't take it but the fatigue is like fighting the ocean tide.. there is nothing to help you.. Thats bad enough but when people look at you.. because outward you look old, tired, and like something the cat threw up.. people's off the cuff comments can be cruel but their looks are unforgiving. I am of course my own worse critic.. I was picking up dinner one late night this weekend and caught my reflection in the mirror.. I was horrified at how old I looked.. and how awful it was.. I decided then its got to stop I need to seriously do something.

I know there are many other illnesses out there that deserve attention.. I mean I am not dying just feel like I was worked over by a meat tenderizer.. One of my co-workers is dying of cancer and now she is now released from hospice to carry out her final days.. living on morphine just to do so.. she is the one who needs the prayers and help.. I have not been able to see her... I have talked to her on the phone.. but I can't go visit.. My own selfish demons take over.. and being more unstable then normal.. I can't do it.. so as Tim sings.. "Live like you are dying"..

Each day is a gift.. how are you going to spend yours?